New Beginnings
by Geeky godess
Summary: New York City. They say if you can make it there, you'll make it anywhere. As six young adults are about to find out, that is not always as easy it seems. Family, friends, school, work, relationships, personal issues, and life can get in the way. It's up to them: will they let life's obstacles drag them down, or rise above to discover just who they are meant to be?
1. Chapter 1

_Just a new fan fiction idea. It might get deep during some chapters, but there will be a warning before those. This is not meant to be offensive, because I always do as much research as I can before diving into a new topic. **Trigger warning:** There are meant ions of mood swings, stuttering, social anxiety, bad relationships in this chapter, as well as an allusion to eating issues._

Name: Blaine Anderson

Age: 18

From: Westerville, Ohio

College: NYADA

Major:Musical Theatre

Occupation: ...well, I'm working on it.

High school. They say that those are the best for years of our lives. I don't know who they are, or why exactly they feel that way, but I sincerely hope that they are wrong.

Because high school was certainly not what I expected it to be.

Maybe I brought it upon myself, you know? I know, I know. ''There's never any excuse for people to bully you.''

Yeah. I've heard it all before. That doesn't change the fact that I think that I was an easy target for them. The quiet, bow-tie wearing, show-choir-attending, musical-obsessed boy who just happens to be gay in an extraordinarily conservative town?

I'm sure that none of those oh so ''unique''-as my mom would put it-qualities that I possessed made it effortless for them to ruthlessly torment me.

For a school that claimed to have a no-tolerance bullying policy, they sure did a shit job of enforcing it. Sarcasm is implied here: Transferring to Dalton Academy during my junior year was definitely the best decision that I ever made.

Well, the best decision that my parents ever made for me.

No matter. The past is in the past, and I am on to bigger and better things.

Good bye Westerville, Ohio, and hello New York City. They say that if you can make it here, then you can make it anywhere. Okay, so maybe the only person I know in this great big city is one of my friends from high school. So Blaine Anderson wasn't good enough for the people back in Ohio, but maybe New York City is where he belongs.

It's a new city, and it's time to become a new me. A me who's going to take this city by storm. The old me wasn't good enough.

Maybe the new me will be.

* * *

><p>Name: Kurt Hummel<p>

Age: 19

From: Lima, Ohio

College: Parsons

Major: Fashion Design

Occupation: Waiter at the Spotlight Diner

Growing up, I always imagined my college years taking place in New York City, New York. Even as young kid, before my mom passed away, I heard the city calling my name.

Damn. Could I be anymore cliché?

Oh, yeah, I can. Turns out that the city of glamour and lights isn't always so wonderful when you're a struggling student. If it weren't for Adam and Chandler, I'm not too sure that I could afford the apartment I was living in. That was the good part about having such a supportive boyfriend and best friend.

Until said boyfriend cheated on me with said boyfriend. Of course they got together right after Adam and I broke up. Because my life is a damn television sitcom.

To throw salt on the wound, they are suggesting… okay, forcing me to move out.

High school wasn't easy for me. Why would I expect college life to be any better?

Even with the money dad and Carole are sending me, there's no way I'd be able to afford an apartment on my own. Though the idea of living with complete strangers is not exactly appealing, I don't really have any choice.

''This is desperate, Kurt. For all you know, you could get stuck with a murderer.''

There is the ever-encouraging voice of my co-worker: Rachel Berry.

''Yes, I am. Hopefully I'll end up with roommates that are just interested in splitting the rent three ways.''

Could this woman be anymore eccentric?

''I told you: there is plenty of room for you at my apartment,'' Rachel wipes the table next to me down, placing the dirty dishes in the bin she is balancing on her hip.

''The two bedroom apartment that you share with Brittany and Santana? No thank you. The idea of living with Santana actually makes my skin crawl,'' I speak, only half-joking, ''Besides. The apartment that I am looking at is closer to work and school, and I need all of the help that I can get being on time.''

This city moves fast, and I have to move as quickly as it does.

''Okay, point taken. But I think that Santana, Brittany and I should meet them before you make your final decision,'' she stands, back straight, chin tilted slightly upward, daring me to defy her.

''Whatever. Okay, fine. Let's just get these dishes to the back and get them cleaned.''

With one final glance at the stack of flyers advertising my search for a roommate that my boss Gunther so graciously let me place on the counter, I'm off to the kitchen to scrub dishes.

And so continues the not-yet-so-glamourous-life of Kurt Hummel.

* * *

><p>Name: Mercedes Jones<p>

Age: 19

From: Lima, Ohio

College: NYADA

Major: Voice

Occupation: I'm working in a retail store

''I swear, it's like some people don't even have manners,'' I roll my eyes at the back of the obnoxious customer I just tried to assist.

This job sucks. A lot. But, hey it pays. And maybe working in a store where constant human interaction when I have social anxiety wasn't exactly the best move, but I need the money. And it's not exactly like my chosen profession- a professional singer- allows much room for me to let my social anxiety get to me, right?

Back to working in a clothing store. It's not what I want, but it is what I have to do. At least for the time being. I can't keep relying on my parents to pay for both my tuition and my rent, right? When my brother moves to Los Angeles in two months, I will need a new place to stay, and my budget limits me to the most affordable apartment. Not being able to afford one on my own sucks, but I can afford to split the cost with at least one other person.

''H-hey,'' Tina Cohen-Chang, the one friend I have managed to make since moving to this great big city, bounces over to me, ''I'm g-going for lunch. D-do you want to c-c-come?''

Here's the thing about Tina: she has a stutter. Once you get to know her, though, you barely even notice it anymore. That doesn't stop people from actually getting to know her, though. So as long as she accepts my social anxiety, I can accept her stutter.

Even divas such as myself need friends. It can get a bit lonely sometimes. This is a big city, so much bigger than what I'm used to. Like so many people, I am still trying to fit in, and find my place in this world. Having a friend who is trying to do the same as she chases her dream to becoming a journalist definitely helps. It's not exactly easy, but it is easier.

We've said goodbye to Ohio, and hello to New York.

New beginnings, new start.

* * *

><p>Name: Sam Evans<p>

Age: 18

From: Louisville, Kentucky

College: None. Yet.

Major: None. Yet.

Occupation: Male model.

Okay, so maybe I don't have life all figured out like 90% of my friends do. I just graduated high school, after all. What's the rush?

''You okay there, buddy?''

Mike Chang is my roommate. We went to high school together. He already had an apartment here when I graduated, so it made more sense to stay with him until I could find my own place. My family can't exactly afford to help me out, and whatever money I have left over from the various modeling jobs i've gotten goes to them.

What I send isn't much, but it helps. Stacie needs braces, and Stevie keeps outgrowing his clothes, and mom and dad need all of the help that they can get. If what little bit I send makes it easier for them, then I'll keep modeling, and doing whatever jobs pay well enough. College can wait.

''I'm fine,'' I watch him pack his dance bag, ''Why?''

''You haven't touched your bagel. I mean, I can't stand them, but you're usually finished with your second one by now,'' he chuckles.

Obviously he's joking, but there's a hint of concern to his voice. And that puts me on edge.

''Just got a lot on my mind,'' I shrug, taking a bite.

There: it was only a half lie, and he'll be happy as long as I eat half.

''Alright. Well, I gotta get to class. Maybe we can grab a bite to eat when you get off of work. Later, dude,'' he pulls on his jacket, heading out for class.

Mike already knows what he wants to do. He had the grades and has the talent to go to NYADA. It took some fighting to convince his parents to let him go there instead of any one of the other schools they'd had picked out for him. It's been a year, and they're still not particularly happy about it. They still support him, though, if only because he's there son.

And if my parents had the money, I'm sure that they'd do the same for me.

As soon as I'm sure he's gone, I toss the rest of the bagel into the trash bin, rushing to the bathroom to get ready for my modeling job today.

Well, it's casting for a modeling job. And, sure, the other guys will be handsome and toned and muscular. But I still have a chance. I've been working out and eating healthier. Right now, this is my only source of income. I'll do anything I have to so that I don't have to lose this job. It's not like I'm doing anything really, really unhealthy. I mean, I am in control of what I'm doing.

No matter how far I have to go.

* * *

><p>Name: Tina Cohen-Chang<p>

Age: 19

From: Westerville, Ohio

College: Columbia University

Major: Journalism

Occupation: Sales Clerk

The beauty of writing is that you get to say everything that you want without actually having to speak. Sometimes it's hard to communicate with your mouth. Sometimes it's difficult to find the right words until you pour your feelings into words on a page.

For me, it's not that I don't know how to say it. It's what happens when I actually open my mouth to speak.

I've had a stutter as long as I can remember. As if being the ''weird, goth girl'' wasn't enough of a reason for the other girls to keep me in isolation during my days at Crawford Country Day, there weren't too many girls who wouldn't make side comments and whisper viciously behind my back at the parties my friend Blaine or roommate Quinn would drag me to.

The no tolerance bullying policy doesn't apply off of school grounds, right?

The one person besides my roommate, and besides my one true friend, who didn't make a big deal out of it was my boyfriend at the time: Hunter Clarington.

He was what every Crawford Country Day girl dreamed of: kind, caring, talented, and intelligent. He was always surprising me with flowers and surprise dates. He graduated at the top of his class, and he was on the Warblers, Dalton's a cappella boy's singing group. After all, a Crawford Country Day girl and a Dalton Academy boy go hand in hand, right? Our relationship was perfect.

Until we were behind close doors. That's when the degrading, narcissistic, player side of Hunter came out. The side that had no problem insulting me, while I stood there and took it. The side that had no problem with accusing me of cheating before nearly ending up in bed with a new girl every side I made excuses for, even though Blaine and Quinn begged me not to.

Hunter Clarington was my biggest, worse, and simultaneously most beautiful mistake. I don't know if I'm a mess, or still in love. I choose to believe my heart rather than my mind, but others will form their own opinion.

Once I moved to New York, I made a vow: It's my time to work on me. If I never get into another relationship, that's even better. Who needs the pain?

I know. A woman who doesn't believe in love just because one bad apple ruined it for her. That's only for television shows and movies, right?

Wrong. Hunter was my first and last regret. I'm going to Columbia University, I'm going to be a journalist, and I'm just fine on my own. In my personal experience, their haven't been too many people that did not find my stuttering as a tool to humiliate me.

And it's not right, because no one should ever have this feeling that I've been hiding since the day Hunter and I broke up. No one should ever feel like they have to change something for others. Yet I still do.

And I can only assume that any boyfriend I got would want to change me into his fantasy of perfection. I'm not the I'm not my friends. My days aren't highlighted with flawlessness that the boys crave. I'm not an expert flirt or all that confident in my ability in flirting period.

I wasn't meant for a relationship, I guess. Not everyone is. It will only lead to heartache and pain for me. Who wants that? I'm not looking for another mistake. I'm fine being single. Really I am.

I will convince myself that I am.

Because that's much easier than living with my regrets.

* * *

><p>Name: Mike Chang<p>

Age: 20

From: Louisville, Kentucky

College: NYADA

Major: Dance

Occupation: part time dance teacher.

''I don't see what's so bad about it,'' Brittany, my dance partner and one of my best friends skips down the hall, platonically holding my hand.

''How would you feel if your parents thought your passion was idiotic? I love dancing. It's my life,'' I explain, trying to calm myself as the frustration of explaining this to her again sets in.

Stay calm. Deep breaths. In and out. Take it easy.

''Sad. Like a sad unicorn,'' she pouts slightly, resting her head on my shoulder as we stroll down the halls of NYADA.

Brittany doesn't mean to be frustrating. Honestly, she doesn't. And though Santana is the only one who can constantly put up with her unintentional naivety. Brittany is the most compassionate and innocent person I know. That makes it easier to keep from lashing out at her every time I reach my boiling point, even if she is quick to forgive me only a few hours later when I do.

Brittany has been accepting of me since our first dance class together last year. Other than Sam and Santana, she's the only friend I have in New York. She's the most understanding, at least. Santana's temper can rival mine, and Sam and I have fought on more than one occasion, ending with him staying at Santana and Britt's apartment on their fold out couch.

''Look,'' Brittany squeezes my hand gently as we cross the street, ''You're a great dancer. You know that, I know that, and your parents do, too. Maybe being a dancer isn't the most practical thing, but they just want what is best for you, you know. Don't get too mad at them.''

For someone who thinks she is stupid, Brittany says the wisest things sometimes.

''You're right, I guess. I have been lashing out a lot lately, haven't I,'' I wrap an arm around her shoulder as we reach the curb.

''Yes, you have. Look, everyone has something they're fighting. Maybe if you told other people, they'd understand.''

''I don't have mood swings, Brittany. I just have a lot on my mind.''

That's not a lie, but I hope she'll take it and let this conversation end.

''Whatever you say. You don't have to pretend around me, though,'' she reminds me, blue eyes glancing at me before focusing on where she's going.

That's the thing. I believe everybody acts differently around certain people. There's who you are for the rest of the world, who you are around your friends, and who you are when you're by yourself. If I haven't begun to accept that something needs to be done about this… issue, then how could others?

Brittany wouldn't understand. My parents have known me my whole life, and they don't understand. Hell, I don't understand. I've spent I don't know how many years trying to deny what I already know.

''Thanks for walking me to work, Mike,'' Brittany presses a chaste kiss to my cheek, ''I'l see you tomorrow.''

She bounces into the diner, ponytail swinging behind her as the door closes and an air of optimism in her wake.

She's right. I need to tell someone. My parents, a teacher, anyone.

But I won't. Wake up, smile, go to class, go to work, go home, make it through the day, pretend it's okay, go to bed, repeat. That's the pattern I've been repeating day after day since I was younger. It's routine, but not easy.

Because pretending that a problem doesn't exist doesn't exactly make it go away.

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer- <strong>_**glee**_** belongs to Fox and Ryan Murphy, Ian Brennan, and Brad Falchuk**


	2. Chapter 2

**Trigger warnings: this chapter contains mentions of insecurities, casual sex, bullying, social anxiety, the use of nonprescription diet pills, and illusions to eating disorders.**

* * *

><p>BlainePOV-<p>

''My boss told me that you are going to have to order something or get out.''

''My date's on his way. He's just going to be a little late,'' I look to the blonde woman in front of me before casting my eyes to the table, not wanting to see her pity.

''Look, I can talk him into giving you one more hour. Then we need the table. Deal,'' she sticks out her hand, grinning when I shake it, ''Good. My name is Brittany. Just call if you need me. I'm gonna bring you another glass of water.''

She must be getting irritated with me. I've been here for an hour and a half now, waiting on my blind date, Jeremiah Brewer. He's in one of Tina's classes, and she insisted I get to know him. I haven't exactly had the best luck with getting dates, and I do suppose that it's time to expand my social circle.

Fear would have kept the old Blaine from dating. Now that I am reinventing myself, I need to learn how to step outside of my comfort zone, no matter how painful it feels at the moment.

It's fifteen minutes later when I've eaten half of the rolls in the basket that Brittany left on my table, and she's already bouncing over to me again.

''You still have forty-five minutes. I'm off now, but Kurt,'' she points her finger over towards someone busting tables, back to us as he works, ''Is taking over this session. And if this guy doesn't show up, then he's a dummy. You seem like a nice dolphin.''

Dolphin?

Without another word, she blows a kiss before turning to leave, blonde ponytail swishing behind her as she exits.

''I see you've had the… experience of meeting Brittany,'' a man, who I'm assuming is Kurt, speaks, smiling slightly ,''In case you're wondering, and I know you are, dolphin means that you're gay. ''

''Oh.''

Damn it, Blaine, can't you say anymore than that? Why can't you be more social.

''Thanks for the explanation. I'm Blaine.''

''Well, my name is Kurt. Just call if you need anything,'' he nods once before stepping away, headed towards the counter.

Just great. This guy probably thinks I'm sad, just like everyone else who has watched me sit here for over an hour.

Ten more minutes. I'll give him ten more minutes, and then I'll leave with whatever little bit of my ever fleeting dignity I have left.

I have never been on an actual date, but I am almost certain that this is the worst date that anyone could ever be on.

It's been an hour, and we've only talked about him. It's hard to get a word in edgewise, and I really should get up and leave.

* * *

><p>All first dates are awkward, right?<p>

I've spent an hour listening to him, but that's normal, isn't it?

I feel as if he doesn't want to get to know me...

But who would?

''Okay,'' Jeremiah leans back at the end of his meal, running a hand through admittedly gorgeous blonde hair, ''Are we going to my place, or yours?''

''I-I'm sorry,'' I set my glass down, focusing on Jeremiah.

''I don't do dates, but I made an exception for you. So why don't we continue the… fun at my apartment, yeah? My roommate is out for the night.''

Oh.

Oh.

''I-I'll be right back. I have to go to the bathroom.''

Okay. Breathe. Just breathe.

Staring in the mirror, I can see every inch of my face clearly under the fluorescent light. Every flaw, every feature i've been trying to make myself love since I was younger.

I'm not exactly the hottest guy. Or the smartest. Or the most interesting. Or any other positive attributes that I seem to find abundant in others, but never can see in myself. I don't have other guys beating down my door for a date.

Growing up in the extremely dark shadows of my brother Cooper only highlighted my insecurities. He got the looks, the talent, the dates, the compliments. I got the love of show choir and musical instruments, which I know my dad despises. If not for our common interest in football, my dad and I never would have communicated after I came out of the closet.

It's just one night. And it's not like we have to have sex, right?

A guy as smart and handsome as Jeremiah obviously has a bunch of guys after him. I'm just one of many, I'm sure. No one has ever seemed to taken an interest in me like he has. If this is how I have to show him my interest, then so be it.

''Oh!,'' the door swings open, and Kurt walks in with a smile on his face ,''So, how's the date going?''

''It's f-fine,'' I wince, internally cursing my voice for cracking.

''You okay?,'' he washes his hands, grabbing a paper towel before turning to me.

''I'm good. I'd better go. I'm sure he wants to get home before it's too late,'' I move past Kurt, stopping when he calls my name.

''You know, I've seen Jeremiah in here a couple of times.A new guy every time. I don't know you, and feel free to think this is rude, feel free to not listen to me at all, but…. if you don't want to go home with him, you don't have to. I don't think the two of you want the same thing.''

Kurt excuses himself, brushing past me and out of the bathroom door, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

He's right. I know he's right. Casual sex is for some, but it's not for me. What I want is someone to take an interest in me romantically and sexually. Jeremiah offers me half of that, but not the half that I truly crave. I could go home with him, or I could keep looking or someone who wants a serious relationship as much as I do. The choice is mine.

I just hope that I am making the right one.

* * *

><p>TinaPOV-<p>

''E-excuse me. I'm h-h-here to pick up an order for M-Mercedes Jones?''

The waitress behind the cash register at the spotlight diner raises an eyebrow, ''Alright. I'll get it in a minute.''

She turns, leaving me waiting. Moments later, I see her talking to another waitress with long, red hair, giggling and glancing towards me.

Silly me to believe that people would stop bullying after high school. I guess we don't all grow up.

''Ignore Anna. She's a snob,'' a male with stunning blue eyes smiles at me, ''I'm Kurt. What can I do for you?''

''I-I'm here to p-pick up for M-Mercedes Jones. A patty melt and a v-veggie burger.''

He doesn't even blink at my stutter, choosing to instead give me a kind grin before rushing off to retrieve my order.

A bright orange color catches my eye, drawing my eyes to the flyer on the counter.

**WANTED**

**2 roommates to split the cost of a three bedroom apartment**

**contact Kurt Hummel for details**

''Here you are,'' Kurt returns with two bags of food, ''That'll be $18.27.''

''W-would you happen to be Kurt H-Hummel?,'' I begin, pulling my wallet out of my bookbag.

''Why, yes I am. I see you've noticed my advertisements for a new roommate. Are you interested.''

''Y-yes. Well, my f-friend M-Mercedes and I are looking for a p-p-place to stay. I-I'd have to discuss this with, with her but, I think she'd be i-interested.''

''Fantastic. We could all meet one day to discuss everything. I do have work everyday but Sunday, though. Just call me when you find out...''

''Tina. T-Tina Cohen-Chang.''

''Nice to meet you, Tina. Just call me, then you, Mercedes and I can meet up to discuss the details in person.''

''S-sounds g-g-good to me. H-h-here. I'll give you my n-number.''

It may be an unconventional way to find a roommate, and Mercedes and I may not know anything about Kurt other than his name and where he works, but we need a place to stay. We have to try all of our options.

After trading numbers with Kurt and thanking him, I head out into the cold air, holding my jacket closer as the wind whips my hair, the cold, fall rain beating down.

Despite the grim weather of the day, I truly believe that there are sunnier days ahead.

I'm in New York, I'm chasing my dreams, and I'm single. Though some may argue that the last actually being positive, I beg to differ. Now I know I'm not being cheated on, and can work on putting the verbal, mental, and emotional abuse from Hunter behind me. The past is in the past, and I need it to stay there. I don't need to- I don't want to- fall in love again. It's just not worth it. Not just because of the chance of heartache, but because it will distract from more important things in life. Like working on myself.

There's nothing that could make me change my mind on that.

* * *

><p>MercedesPOV-<p>

''Tina Cohen-Chang, you are amazing,'' I greet Tina as she enters my brother's apartment, bag of food in hand, ''I would have met you for lunch, but you know that I don't like eating in public.''

I've read that this is common in people with social anxiety. Which may explain why I spent most of high school eating in the safety of my guidance counselor's office. I missed out on so much of my high school experience because of this.

I've gotten so much better with this aspect of my social anxiety, but it's still a work in progress.

''I-it's been forever s-since we've had one of our g-g-girl's nights, M-Mercedes,'' the brunette shrugs, following my finger guiding her to the couch, ''W-we've been so b-b-busy with work and school and s-s-such. ''

''True, true,'' I return from the kitchen with two sodas, ''We need to discuss the apartment hunting soon. We need a place sooner rather than later.''

I definitely won't be able to afford staying here. Even if Tina chipped in, there are so many other things that we need money for. An apartment is just the tip of the iceberg.

The lives of college students living so far away from hold, just in the beginning stages of adulthood isn't easy. Some days are better than others, I will admit. Some days it's like swimming in the ocean, and trying to make your way to the surface before you're completely, utterly overwhelmed.

There have been a lot of days like that as of late, but I have no doubt that things will soon turn around.

''So,'' Tina wipes her mouth with a napkin before turning bright, brown eyes on me ,''I t-think I have a s-solution to our ap-apartment issue.''

''Oh,'' I lean back, eyebrow raised at my best friend, ''And that would be?''

She pulls a flyer out of her sunflower messenger bag, ''Th-there's this guy that w-w-works at the spotlight diner. His name is K-Kurt Hummel. H-h-he is looking for roommates.''

''So you are suggesting that we move in with a complete stranger,'' I deadpan, continuing when she shakes her head, eyes wide and horror stricken.

''No. Of c-c-course not. W-we'd have to sit down face-to-face w-w-with him first. He seems n-nice enough. W-we'd barely be h-home anyway. The least w-we could do is g-g-give it a chance.''

Tina has a point. She wouldn't even bring this up with me if she sensed something was off about this Kurt Hummel. Tina is a lot better at reading people than I am. She sees their bad intentions before I have the chance to give them a second thought. If not for her, I'm sure I'd be hurt more often than I have been.

So why wouldn't I trust my best friend to lead me in the right direction this time?

''I'm not saying that this is a definite yes, but I am willing to give this a shot.''

We're in desperate need of a place to stay. If Kurt doesn't seem like someone we should be living with, then we can always look at smaller, cheaper apartments. My brother has said that he'd be willing to pay first and last month's rent, so why not at least give this a try?

''Thank you, M-Mercedes. Trust m-m-me! E-everything's g-gonna be ok. I can f-f-feel it!''

That's it, Mercedes. Come out of your comfort zone, little by little.

I can agree this is not the best- or most ideal- way to do that, but what have we got to lose? I wanna be a singer. A performer. Being on stage in front of thousands of people requires a fair amount of bravery. And I need to do it on my own. There's no reason to make my parents worry about me. They've got so much more to worry about with their own lives.

If this is the first step to confidence, then I need to take it. How am I ever going to be a star if I don't start now?

''This is s-s-so g-great! I'm going t-to call Kurt n-now,'' Tina nods decisively, taking the phone and headed towards the hallway of the apartment.

Yup. Great.

As much as the prospect of sharing a space with someone I don't know that well and who will most likely make fun of my social anxiety scares me, I feel like there are no other options. I'm desperate for a place to stay once my brother moves, no matter how temporarily. This would be easier- and perhaps cheaper- than living in a dorm. Who knows? Kurt could turn out to be a great guy. There's only two things I'm sure about: Whatever happens, Tina and I are in this together.

And I just can't be afraid to take the fall.

* * *

><p>SamPOV-<p>

''His abs are better. His smile is brighter. His eyes are nicer. His hair is neater.''

Most people think that these issues only plague girls' minds. For me, these have been insecurities that I have been dealing with for what feels like ages.

Even if my method of dealing with it is less than ideal.

My insecurities always come to light on days like this. Being in a room full of guys who are much better looking than I am, who are hoping to book the same modeling job that I am, never fails to bring to my attention every flaw I have poured effort into covering up.

My teeth aren't straight enough, or white enough. I'm not tall enough. Not tan enough.

In a profession where ''perfection'' is deemed as the most important quality, it is easy to feel less than. I knew that when I got into this, but I never thought it would magnify my self-doubt to the extent that it has.

''Come on, Sam,'' I breathe out, loosening my grip on the marble surface of the bathroom countertop, ''Get it together.''

Push out the negative thoughts.

''You'll just have to work out more,'' I glare at my reflection ,''Tone up. Your family needs help.''

Sometimes I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Who do I turn to, though? There's no one that would get this. No one that would know what it's like to be so completely disappointed with yourself.

Mike may be my best friend, but I doubt that he'd get it. He's always been the smart one, the talented one, the handsome one. He's a dancer, and I've seen his abs If he wanted to be a model, he could.

I certainly wouldn't be any competition.

Reaching into my bookbag, I pull out the tiny bottle of pills.

''There just diet pills,'' I shrug, speaking to myself, ''It's fine.''

It's fine. I've taken these diet pills once, maybe twice. It's fine.

I'm fine.

Mike, who has been like a big brother for me, would freak out if he found these. So I keep them in my bag. He worries enough about my eating habits. I have no doubt he tells my mother every time I only finish half of a meal.

There. I grimace as I swallow the diet pill. That's taken care of.

It's not like I don't eat at all. I just eat less than Mike. He eats all of the time, not that you could tell just by looking at him. He's healthy for him, and that's good and all.

It just doesn't help my insecurities and self-doubt. It only feeds that nasty little voice at my mind that makes me feel like I'm not good enough.

Not smart enough. Not talented enough. Not enough.

''Come on, Sam,'' I put my bag over my shoulder, giving myself one last look in the mirror ,''Keep it together. You've got it.''

I'm good. I have everything under control. I'll just have to exercise more and eat even healthier. I need these modeling jobs until I save enough money to go to college. I have to keep my body in shape. I may not be able to do that with exercise and a healthy diet alone like the other guys, but I'll do whatever it takes.

I don't particularly like myself, and I can admit that. To myself. Never to anyone else. Dad wouldn't understand. Mike would try to, and fail. My mom would wonder why I feel this way, because everything I do is good for her.

If only other saw me that way. I've spent my whole life feeling stupid. Even when my parents got me help for my dyslexia, I still couldn't always understand the work. Doing work on the board in front of the class…

No. Don't think about that. That's over. The past is in the past, Sam. Leave it there. Focus on your future.

With one final glance, I leave the restroom.

I can fake confidence. Head held high, shoulders back, a faint air of smugness as I enter the room. Pretending to have confidence and actually having it- like all of the other guys seem to- are two separate things. Now, I only convince people I am as secure as I'd like them to believe that I am, even when self-doubt is constantly plaguing my mind.

But it's better than nothing.

* * *

><p>Mike and Kurt will be featured heavily in the next chapter :)<p>

Disclaimer- _glee_ belongs to Fox and Ryan Murphy, Ian Brennan, and Brad Falchuk. _All of Me_ is performed by John Lgend and written by John Stephens and Tony Gad

.


	3. Chapter 3

**Trigger warnings: mentions of family issues, one night stands, social anxiety disorders, mood swings, a stutter, body image issues, and illusions to an inferiority complex, and an eating disorder.**

* * *

><p>KPOV-<p>

John Legend's All of Me is playing as soon as I enter the music store, a velvety voice doing what I have to admit is an amazing job on an amazing song.

''Starchild, who's playing?''

Starchild Gilbert is one of the few friends I've made since coming to New York. We had similar childhoods and teen years, which should have made us click from the start, right? Wrong. We butted head a few times, but eventually we were able to put our differences aside. He accepts my headstrong attitude just as I accept his entire persona. What is eccentric to others is just the way that Starchild sees himself.

He's also been a good person to vent to. Whether it was a fight with Adam or after a long day spent going to classes, working, and worrying about the state of my dad's health, he's always been there for me. We may not be right for each other as far as dating goes, but we make a good team as friends.

''Don't know,'' he shrugs, looking at the pianist over the crowd of teenaged girls that has assembled ,''He comes in every other week or so. He doesn't buy anything, but he draws a crowd for obvious reasons. It boosts sales, so my manager is cool with it.''

Makes sense, I guess. Gunther's been looking for someone to do live performances, especially during catered events and dinner hours.

I wonder…

''I'll be over in the vinyl record section. Send him over when he's done?,'' I whisper to Starchild, smiling to myself when he nods.

This is perfect. I've been trying to prove to Hunter that I can handle being the assistant manager, and what better way than by bringing in the talent he's been searching for? I deserve it. I'm one of the hardest workers. And I doubt that any of my coworkers would jump at this, considering the majority of us are in school as well.

So why shouldn't someone who actually wants the position take it?

''Hey. Starchild said you wanted to talk to me,'' a familiar voice sounds behind me, and I'm met with tired hazel eyes upon turning around.

''Blaine! Wow, that was you playing? You're incredible.''

I don't give out compliments easily. When I do, they're genuine and to the point.

''I'm not as good as most of the people in my classes,'' he shrugs, hands in his pockets as he stares at the carpet, skin slightly flushed before he gazes up at me ,''Did you need something?''

''I was wondering… my boss, Gunther, is looking for someone to perform during dinner time at the Spotlight Diner. He'd have to see you play first, but I think you'd be a good fit.''

''I don't know. I'm not really all that great. Isn't there someone else you could ask?''

Not that good? I've never heard someone sing with that amount of passion.

''They're not as talented as you. Feel free to disagree, but I think it'd be a fantastic way to make a little money.''

Please.

''I guess you're right. Okay,'' he smiles slightly, ''I'll do it.''

''Fantastic! You won't regret this. If you're free, we could go right now,'' I grin at him.

''I actually have class soon. How about I drop by afterwards, yeah?,'' he suggests.

''That sounds good to me. I'll see you later, Blaine.''

''Okay. Oh, and Kurt?''

''Yeah,'' I turn to face him, noticing the slight smirk of his pink lips.

''Thanks for warning me about Jeremiah. I can't thank you enough.''

Oh.

_Oh_.

''No problem,'' I shrug.

I'd hate for you to make the same mistakes that I have. I may not know you too well, but you have an innocence that Jeremiah could destroy.

And, given the chance, he definitely would.

Blaine and I part ways, with a promise to meet up with each other at the diner at five.

A text message notification lights up my phone, and my heart stops.

You free tonight? I miss you ;)

Casual sex is alright for some, and not for others. And that's okay. A year ago, it wouldn't have been for me. Now, though, I'm not so sure I can say no.

It's just fun. That's all I want right now. I don't need to jump back into another relationship. And maybe this isn't the right choice, but it's still my decision.

Yeah. See you tonight

I don't want Blaine to make the same mistakes that I made freshman year: sleeping with someone who only wants one thing. Not when he so clearly wants a relationship. Not when he has an innocence and kindness to him begging to be nurtured and loved, something he has clearly never experiences from a romantic aspect.

The difference is now I know what I'm doing. It's just a casual thing. Nothing we can label. It's not even really sex. Just innocent flirting, making out, a bit of feeling up with a promise for more that is never kept.

And if it turns out to be a bad decision, at least the regret is mine.

* * *

><p>MikePOV-<p>

New York is a city with a fast pace, just like all of the shows and movies show it to be. The city really never sleeps. There is always something going on, something happening, some form of life buzzing through the city.

Unfortunately, this also means that people are in a hurry.

''Watch where you're going!,'' a man hisses, running into a girl, causing her to crash to the ground and her supplies to fall around her.

''W-whatever!,'' she picks herself up, resting on her knees as she grabs her scattered objects from the hard ground of the, stuffing them into her bag.

''Leave her the hell alone! Watch where you're going, dumb asshole!,'' I call after the guy, bending to help the woman gather her things, ''Sorry about the language, miss.''

''I-i-it's alright. Y-y-you should go. You'll m-m-miss the s-subway,'' she tucks a strand of black, blue-highlighted hair behind her ears, eyes trained on the pencils she's collecting.

''I was just getting off,'' I explain with a shrug that I am sure she doesn't notice as I hand her the items that spilled from her bag, reaching out a hand to help her up, ''Sorry that asshole ran into you like that, though.''

''I-I-I'm used to it,'' she stutters out, frowning a bit before picking at the rip in her tights, training beautiful brown eyes on me as she continues''High school p-prepared me for more than ac-academic success.''

She's obviously attempting self-deprecating humor, but it's also obvious that she'd rather not dwell on those four years.

I can relate.

''Here, let me help,'' I pick up her books and Columbia University tote bag while she grabs the messenger bag, ''Where are you headed?''

''The S-Starlight Diner. I-it's fine. I can m-m-make it on my own.''

''I'm headed towards there anyways. Would you mind the company,'' I smile a bit, hoping to calm her down a bit.

Other than Brittany, people will usually keep their distance when I explode like that. The sudden shift from angry to bright and positive must be overwhelming for her, especially after having the wind knocked out of her only moments ago.

''A-are you sure?''

''Yes. Look, I'm calm now. I shouldn't have yelled at that guy the way that I did. I know you don't need anyone to defend you,'' I shrug, ''And if you don't want me walking with you, then I completely understand.''

''I-i-it's fine. Just want to m-m-make sure you're c-calm now,'' she explains, tucking hair behind her ear, ''Alright. L-let's g-g-go.''

* * *

><p>How stereotypical, right? Two young people meeting in the subway, love in the air as they take off on a journey of passion and romance?<p>

Not exactly. Don't get me wrong, she is attractive. But it may not be the best thing to ask out a girl who just witnessed me yell at a complete stranger for a situation that didn't even concern me. The only reason I'm speaking to her now is because I feel the need to fill the awkward silence that has been with us the last two blocks.

''I never got your name, by the way,'' I avoid eye contact as we wait for the crossing single.

''T-Tina Cohen-Chang. Y-y-you?''

''Mike Chang. Listen, Tina, are you cold?,'' I question, eyeing her small jacket, ''Do you need my jacket or something?''

''W-why do you th-th-think I'm c-c-cold,'' she speaks as we cross the street, positioning her hat on her head as if to prove my point ,''I-I-I'm just f-f-f-fine.''

''You've been shivering and stuttering over your words the entire time,'' I explain, unprepared for her response.

''I'm not cold, Mike. And n-no. I don't want y-y-your stupid c-c-coat,'' she speaks quietly, arms folded across her chest.

''Fine! Sorry I tried to be polite. I won't do it again,'' I huff out,surprisingly grateful for the return of silence.

Well, as silent as a busy New York street can be in the middle of the day.

''Look,'' she turns to face me with a sigh as we reach the diner, ''I-I'm sorry, o-okay? I h-h-have a stutter. I tend to get on e-e-edge when p-people bring it u-up. I-i-it's not exactly something that I can h-hide.''

She's looking at the sidewalk, arms folded across her chest like she's trying to keep herself together.

''It's fine. I'm sorry that I snapped on you like that.''

Get it together, Mike.

''How about I take you out for coffee to makeup for it?,'' I question, biting my lip to fight the smile when she glances up at me, cheeks tinted red.

''Not as a d-date, though. R-right?''

''Sure. I mean, you're obviously around my age. We're young, we have school and work, I'm guessing. There's a lot going on in our lives. We could use a coffee break, yeah?''

It doesn't have to lead to more. But I would like to show you this isn't always the real me. Sometimes I let my feelings get the best of me, yes. But don't we all?

''Yeah,'' she grins, ''Here. Give me your number.''

So maybe it's not a date, but it's something. Between school, work, my parents, and constantly making sure my best friend Sam is okay, I need a distraction. Cassandra July is being especially ruthless this week, and I'd be lying if I say that it has not been getting to me.

''I'll s-s-see you soon, M-Mike Chang,'' Tina politely informs me before making sure she has all of her possessions, and heading into the warmth of the diner.

I'm not looking for a girlfriend. I'm not looking for another mistake. Just someone to talk to. Maybe a chance at redemption for making her feel uncomfortable and have to explain her stutter to me. Sure her that I'm not angry and rude and condescending all of the time.

Just like everyone else, there's more to me than what's on the surface.

* * *

><p>MercedesPOV-<p>

''I'm thinking of getting the Spotlight Burger. It's really good,'' Kurt mumbles to me as we wait for Tina.

We've been sitting at this table for about a half hour, making small talk. He seems nice enough to me, honestly. We have a lot in common: fashion, music, and reality television shows.

But it all comes down to how willing we' all be to accept each other, seeing as we will be living together.

''What are you going to get?''

Something small. I don't particularly like eating in public, and today has not been a good day. Why make that it any worse and push myself past my comfort zone?

''I'm not sure. Maybe the patty melt. It's my favorite,'' I reason with a shrug.

And I can always eat half here, and save the rest for later.

''Mmmm, that sounds good,'' Kurt sighs, ''I guess I can give the counting calories and watching every single thing I eat a break for a while. When I lived at home, I always made sure to keep healthy food in the house for my dad. When my mom died, it was just the two of us.''

''Same here. I mean, my mom and I are always trying to get my dad to eat healthier. Last summer, he had a heart attack. And he still just won't listen...''

My dad is such a smart man. But he is so, so stubborn. My mom always says that's where my brother and I get it from.

''Hey,'' Kurt tentatively rests his hand over mine ,''I get it. if it weren't for my stepmom, Carole, I wouldn't have left home. My dad can take care of himself, but it's nice to know there's someone there to help him the way he helps her. Though I do get the stubborn part of it. I've been watching what he eats for him for years.''

I laugh when Kurt rolls his eyes fondly, obviously just as tired of having to fight his dad about his diet as I am of fighting mine.

''Let's hope it doesn't, but if worse comes to worse, we can support each other, yeah?''

''Yeah. Thanks,'' I smile.

Okay, so we're not exactly best friends all of a sudden. It just feels nice to have someone that identifies with me, even under such bad circumstances.

''S-s-sorry I'm l-l-late, guys. I got held up on the- on the subway.''

''Would it happen to be because of that tall, handsome stranger,'' I suggestively wiggle my eyebrows, making Kurt snort in laughter.

''W-w-what?''

''We saw you with him. Mike Chang, right? He's friends with Brittany,'' Kurt nods his head towards a beautiful blonde woman cleaning tables a few feet away, ''And Santana.''

We follow his gaze towards a very pretty girl with long, raven black hair, who is sitting with an equally pretty, short brunette girl.

The thing is this: I love my body. Some days I can admit that I don't, but I think we all have days like that. There is this level of perfection that a lot of us are trying to reach, and it's something different for all of us.

Right now, I'm just trying to gain the courage to eat in public. More specifically, to eat what I want in public without fearing what people are saying. I know that I'm heavier than my friends. It's not new knowledge to me. I don't really have a problem with that as much as I have a problem with people casting judgmental looks at me whether I order something to be considered healthy or not.

It only makes it worse, actually. Social anxiety can ruin your social life sometimes. As much as I try not to let things get to me, I am only human.

Sometimes I can't help it.

''You know,'' Kurt begins, putting his menu down, ''I think I'm still pretty full for lunch. Would one of you ladies like to eat something with me?''

He glances at me before looking to Tina, who politely declines his offer.

''I will. What do you say we split the patty melt and some fries,'' I nod, internally grateful that he noticed something was up.

He doesn't know the specifics. I haven't told him, and I know that Tina wouldn't tell him. I guess, just like Tina, Kurt is good at reading people. It's nice being able to pretend everything is okay without feeling like I'm lying to myself.

Because sometimes it can get so hard pretending you're okay.

* * *

><p>''S-s-so it's a deal th-then,'' Tina nods, a bright smile lighting up her features, ''W-we're g-g-going to give this a try?''<p>

''I see no reason why not. From where I stand, you two seem like bright, dependable women. We'd all be on different schedules, anyway. The only time we'd all be at home is at night and on Sunday's, unless I'm working the night shift. The Spotlight Diner is open twenty-four hours,'' he explains when we look confused, ''Moving on. There's this one apartment that I think is reasonably priced. It's three bedrooms, a bathroom, a kitchen, and a small living room. If needed, we could also look at two bedroom apartments. That's if you two don't mind sharing.''

''W-w-we just really need a place to s-s-stay,'' Tina shrugs, taking a sip of her coffee, ''You s-seem trustworthy. i think that this arrangement c-c-could w-work out.''

''Perfect,'' Kurt beams, practically glowing, ''So it's decided. We'll look at the apartment this weekend?''

''I-it's a d-d-date,'' Tina giggles, resting her hand on the table before Kurt places his on hers, and I place mine on top of his.

Are we getting ourselves into something bad? Possibly. Kurt could be putting on an act for all we know. Lately, though, I've been trying to follow my gut feeling more. Maybe Kurt is just nice on the surface, but something else is telling me that he is genuine. I really do need a place to stay, as does Tina. With Kurt, we could afford it.

My parents won't approve. Of course they won't. They had issues with me coming to New York for school in the first place. To hear that their only daughter is moving in with a guy that she barely knows? They'll lose it. It's my life though. Whether this turns out to be something wonderful or the worst mistake of my life, I've got to make the decision on my own.

After all, you will never know if you don't even try.

* * *

><p>SamPOV-<p>

To my sheer surprise, I got the modeling job. I know everyone thinks that I'm the stereotypical dumb blonde, but I'm not. I know that there were dozens of guys more qualified for this underwear ad. Yet, they chose me.

That should really boost my self esteem, right?

Wrong. It's an underwear ad. A billboard, no less. The ad will be featured in a magazine, and on the side of buses, too. Which means that my chest will be on display for everyone. Every flaw will be magnified the minute that the image is blown up.

I think I'm going to be sick.

''Look at yourself, Sam,'' I sigh, shaking my head, ''You've got to do better.''

Your family needs you. Stacey and Stevie are growing all of the time. Stacey needs braces, now, too. Stevie needs new winter clothes, and soon. Mom and dad tell me not to worry, but I do. They're family. Other than Mike, and his family, they're all I have. I can't disappoint them.

I'm not that hungry. How could I be? I just ate, and I feel sick. I've got to do better. No more unhealthy foods. Healthy snacks only. The kind Mike eats. He wouldn't mind sharing.

Jog more, Sam. Exercise is important. Going to the gym for three hours three times a week isn't bad. Four times a week is better. The other models exercise. So why not me?

The bile rushes up my throat before I can stop it, and I'm turning to the toilet as quickly as I possibly can.

This is disgusting. My throat burns. The whole bathroom smells like vomit. I'm one hundred percent sure I'll have to clean the toilet after this.

''Sam,'' the front door slams shut as I watch my lunch continue to come back up.

I have to eat healthier. No more junk food, period. Not until I don't need to model anymore.

''Dude, you okay,'' Mike stands by the door, staring at me with wide eyes.

''I'm fine,'' I flush the toilet, resting my sweaty forehead in my hand, ''It must have been something I ate?''

''You sure?''

''I'm sure. I ate some fast food, but I already wasn't feeling well. Check the garbage.''

I don't want him to assume I'm only eating half of every meal. At least I'm eating.

Right?

''No, I believe you. I'll get you some water,'' he nods, turning to head to the kitchen.

He's my best friend, but he worries too much. Mike makes it a habit of worrying about other people. Their happiness means more to him than his own, which would explain his conflict with his parents.

Staring in the mirror, I struggle to like the guy that stares back at me. He feels hot, his skin is flushed, and he's sweaty. He's not attractive. He needs to eat better. He's a model, afterall.

''Just try harder the next day,'' I whisper to myself, wiping my mouth again, ''It's all good. You're all good. It's okay.''

Maybe if I say it enough times, it'll actually be true.

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer- <strong>_**glee**_** belongs to Fox, and Ryan Murphy, Ian Brennan, and Brad Falchuk. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Trigger Warning: mentions of one night stands, casual sex, family issues, inferiority complex, insecurities, bad relationships, infidelity, eating disorders, mood swings, stuttering, and bullying.**

* * *

><p>KPOV-<p>

''Leaving already, hot stuff?''

It's the break of dawn when I'm slipping my underwear back on, searching for the rest of my clothes.

''I wasn't supposed to spend the night,'' I huff, pulling my pants off of his desk chair, ''I have to be at work in an hour. My uniform is at home.''

''Well, hurry up. I'll take you home,'' he yawns, sitting on the edge of the bed, blanket covering his lower half, ''_Or_ you could call off and come back to bed.''

It's tempting, really. Crawling back in the bed and forgetting about everything else would be nice. For just a few more hours, I could forget my dad's health problems, school, work, stress…

Everything.

''As much as I want to, I can't. I'm already taking off during finals week. Maybe we could meet up tonight?''

It was a mutual decision, really. Friends with benefits would be the only label that could fit us, even if this doesn't happen very often. In terms of boyfriends, I can definitely say that he wouldn't be what I'm looking for. And I'm not what he wants. We're just… casually enjoying occasional nights together.. Neither one of us wants a relationship with each other, so this is as close as it would come.

''Can't. Got a date,'' he yawns, standing to pull his own underwear on ,''Maybe tomorrow night?''

''Sounds good,'' I shrug, pulling my coat on ,''As long as you're not an ass about me showing up late this time.''

''Whatever, Kurt,'' he rolls his eyes, ''I'll see later.''

When I moved to New York, I anticipated having a boyfriend. Soon, I met Adam. It was thrilling, really: my first taste of love, and what a real relationship was. It was all sweet talk and late nights spent in between the sheets of either my or his bed, just kissing. It was that butterflies, and 'I love you''s.

Until it all came falling down. Then there was nothing but yelling, and accusations. It' your fault, it's my fault. There was slamming doors and tears and regrets.

I'll fall in love again some day. But not now. I have too much on my plate. If you want to be in a loving and committed relationship, it has to be fifty-fifty. I've always given one hundred percent of myself with Adam, and got less than that in return.

So what's wrong with taking a little time to myself?

The hard, cold wind hits me as soon as I leave his apartment, stepping out onto the pavement.

If I'm late for work, I'll never get that promotion. Besides, I promised Blaine I'd introduce him to Gunther to avoid any awkwardness. It took more convincing to make sure that Blaine doesn't change his mind, but it'll be worth it.

Despite the obvious weight on my shoulder- my dad's health, making sure I call home as much as possible, trying to work long enough hours to make enough money, I know things will be looking up soon.

Mercedes, Tina and I will be looking at the apartment next weekend. With any luck, it'll be ours and we can move in as soon as possible. I've got a really good feeling about those two. They've even offered to pick up things that I left at Adam's place.

Starchild has graciously agreed to let me live with him until we can move in. If not for friends like him, I don't know where I'd be. Our schedule only coincide on the weekend, so it's not like we're in each other's way much. He's a night owl, and I'm typically an early bird. He's always out with Santana and Rachel. I prefer to stay at home, and Brittany tends to join me. Reality television is our favorite, and we leave the partying on a regular basis to Santana, Starchild, and- surprisingly- Rachel.

Things are finally starting to look up. I don't have that glamorous New York city life I pictured I would when I first moved here. I will, though. As my dad always says, ''The Hummels never give up.''

So how can I?

* * *

><p>Maybe I spoke too soon. Blaine is half an hour late. If he doesn't come…<p>

Well, I guess I can't blame him. He's not actually my friend. He doesn't owe me anything.

''Sorry I'm late.''

Glancing up, I'm met with a tired expression and hazel eyes fighting to stay open.

''Are you okay? You look awful,'' I take some glasses off of a table, Blaine following me to the next.

''Yeah. Yeah, I know. I overslept. My whole schedule shifted,'' he yawns, obviously exhausted, ''But I made a commitment. I need to honor that.''

His expression and tone suddenly become more serious, as if this promise is more to himself than it is to me.

''I appreciate that,'' I speak truthfully, ''Come on. Gunther's this way.''

This could be just what I need to be promoted to assistant manager. Hell, it could even help Blaine out. From what I understand, he attends NYADA. That school can be very expensive. Gunther would pay him, at least. That could help with tuition. He'll definitely hire Blaine.

''He's certainly impressive,'' Gunther nods, watching as Blaine entertains are lunch-time crowd with a piano cover of a pop song.

''See? He'd be perfect. He could work during dinnertime,'' I nod, seeing Gunther begin to consider it.

''Alright. Tell him he's hired,'' Gunther shakes my hand ,''I have to get back to my office.''

Without another word, he heads towards his office, leaving me to admire Blaine's passionate performance.

He really puts his all into the performance. I've never heard or seen anyone, aside from Rachel, sing like that.

''Hey,'' Blaine sits at the counter as soon as he's off the stage, ''Where's your manager at?''

''He had to go. He told me to tell you that you got the job, though.'' I laugh as his face lights up in disbelief.

''Are you serious?,'' he grins, bright white teeth temporarily dazzling me.

Damn, could I be any cheesier?

''Of course. You're magnificently talented,'' I shrug, ''I'm not surprised.''

''It's just… NYADA isn't that far away from here. I'm sure that you guys could have found someone much better, with all of the talent there and everything.''

He subconsciously rubs the back of his neck, glancing down at the floor.

''Blaine, you attend NYADA. They only take the best of the best, right?''

''I guess.''

''So don't doubt yourself. You're amazing.''

It may be odd that I'm comforting someone I barely know, but I was him a few years ago. My self doubt was nearly tangible, and my insecurities were suffocating. If not for my dad, I never would have made it out of that dark place.

To me, it makes sense that I'd want to prevent anyone else from slipping into that darkness?

''I appreciate that, Kurt,'' he smiles shyly, ''Thanks.''

''No. Thank you. This will certainly help the diner. How about we get coffee when I get off tonight? You know, as a celebration. my treat.''

''I can't, actually. I have a date. Someone I used to go to high school with,'' he shrugs, hands in his pockets, ''Maybe some other time.''

''Sure. I mean, we will be working together now. And you have my number,'' I remind him, ''Just text or call me.''

''I'll be sure to do that. I'll see you later, Kurt,'' he smiles a bit before turning, heading towards the front door.

''Who was that, Kurtie,'' Brittany questions, wrapping an arm around my shoulder.

''The new pianist, Britt. He'll be working here.''

''No, I mean who is he to you? He was in here not too long ago,'' she explains.

''No one. We're friends, I guess. Why?''

''Because he's cute. And you're cute. And you'd be cute together,'' she speaks as if it is the most simplest thing in the world ,''I love you, Kurt. And after that crap Adam put you through, you deserve to be happy.''

This is what I love about Brittany: she has the biggest heart of anyone I've ever met.

''Thanks, sweetheart. I don't think now is the right time, though. I'm still getting on my feet, and I'll be flying back to Ohio every chance I get.''

She's a sweetheart, but she doesn't get it. I don't want to leave myself open for heartbreak, but I want to try again. It's a tricky situation. I want to try again, but not too soon.

Why rip the bandaid off of the wound before it even begins to heal.

''Okay. Well, I wouldn't worry if I were you,'' she kisses my cheek before picking up a tray of food to deliver to a table, ''There's someone for you.''

Maybe she's right. Okay, she is right. But I'm not exactly looking. Right now, I'm happy having something casual. If it progresses into something more, then possibly. I don't see that happening, though. We're too much alike. Two people with fiery personalities that do nothing but argue in between nights together.

I need someone cool and soft and easygoing. Like Blaine.

No. Forget that. He's obviously not ready for a relationship. He may not even be interested in me that way. I don't know anything about him. A handsome face does not always equal a beautiful mind.

I'll find someone. That's not my main priority right now. Learning how to be an adult is.

That's a big enough challenge itself.

* * *

><p>TPOV-<p>

''S-s-so, Mike and Amber,'' I begin as we wait in line in the crowded coffee shop ,''You a-a-a-attend NYADA? Th-that m-m-must be nice.''

You know what else would be nice? If your girlfriend wasn't glaring at me.

He showed up with a girl who could be a model, with looks that rival even Quinn Fabray's.

I'm confident about the way I look. I'm a beautiful person. I'm in love with myself, and I don't want to change a thing. Still, I recognize that most guys may not look at me and see a beauty queen. It's okay. I'm okay. I don't need their validation for my self worth.

Still, I do get insecure at times. My stutter doesn't exactly help things. It makes me a target for bullying. I have gotten better at defending myself, though.

Some days are just harder than others.

''Please stop talking,'' Amber groans, glancing up from her phone with a look even more scathing than the ones she's been throwing my way since I met her and Mike at the subway station.

''E-excuse me? I c-c-can't help it. Y-you have n-no right to talk to me like that.''

Stand your ground. Don't let others make you feel bad about yourself.

''Mike,'' she groans, ''Can we please leave? I don't want to sit here and listen to her stutter all day.''

''Amber, you can leave. I don't like the way you've been treating her,'' Mike sighs, shaking his head, ''It's not fair.''

''Fine,'' she scoffs, ''Find another dance partner.''

She storms off, pushing past Mike and stalking towards the entrance of the coffee shop.

''I don't care!''

What is he doing?

''I'm sorry about that,'' Mike glances down at me as the line slowly inches forward, ''She's a sweet girl. Really. That was out of character.''

''Y-y-you didn't have to do that, Mike. You should go a-a-after your girlfriend.''

Just because I've been hurt before doesn't mean she should be, too.

''Amber's not my girlfriend,'' Mike shakes his head sadly, ''She was bullying. I helped you defend yourself. I know you can take care of yourself, but she crossed a line.''

He's staring straight ahead, a tense look on his face. So I drop it, awkwardly standing next to him.

Just great.

* * *

><p>''I'm sorry I keep snapping on you. In case you've noticed,'' Mike speaks later, when we're leaning against a wall of the coffee shop, eating bagels and drinking coffee.<p>

''I h-have.''

He goes from happy to sad to angry and back again. It's not my position to judge, though.

I just want to know why.

''You don't deserve it. I'm sorry. It's not fair to you. I'm just under so much stress. I have to prepare a lesson for Mrs. July's first-year dance class, _and_ something for the winter showcase, and my parents are coming into town and it's all just...''

''T-too much?,'' I guess.

I get it. Striving for perfection is tough. Especially when you feel the pressure from your whole family. Mercedes gets it. I get it.

''Y-you're not a-alone Mike. You have friends.''

''I know,'' he smiles a bit, ''Except Sam can't dance. Like, at all. And Brittany is so busy, and-''

''M-me, Mike. I'm t-t-talking a-about _me_,'' I roll my eyes playfully.

''You dance?,'' he raises an eyebrow and smirks, ''Really?''

''Y-yes,'' I tuck some hair behind my ear, ''And I a-am q-qute g-g-good.''

''Arrogant?,'' he playfully suggests.

''Confidence. You know you're good at dancing, otherwise you would not have applied to NYADA. I may not be as good as you, but i think that I can keep up. My schedule leaves room open on the weekends.''

''That's perfect, actually a great idea. We could go to NYADA in the mornings, before work. I'd have to talk to Madam Tibideaux about someone who does not attend NYADA performing in the winter showcase, but-''

''But w-we can m-m-make it work. I will h-help you,'' I promise.

He obviously has a lot on his plate. I know how that feels. I have Blaine, Kurt- who is already proving to be a good friend-and Mercedes to help out, though.

And Mike has me.

''You're a good person, Tina Cohen-Chang, you know that?''

''T-t-thanks,'' I look down, willing myself not to blush as I do, ''I-I think we c-could be f-f-f-friends, Mike. ''

''You know what,'' he grins, showing off perfectly straight teeth ,''I was just thinking the same thing.''

I'm not ready for a relationship. I never will be, because I can't go back to that place of self loathing.

Everyone could use a friend sometimes, I think. I know I could have used one when I first moved here. Blaine was always busy after a while. So thank goodness for Mercedes and Kurt. And now Mike, too.

It's been a while since I have had someone who doesn't judge me, and who I find attractive. Even if i'm not willing to act on that attraction, it's just nice to have someone else to talk to. Someone else who likes to dance.

Someone who just needs someone else.

I'll be that person for him.

''How can I repay you?''

''Well, I'm m-moving in a few w-w-weeks. You could h-h-help my friend Mercedes s-and I m-move,'' I tease, surprised when he agrees.

We talk for a while longer, before we part ways to continue our days.

It's nice to have a guy friend. I mean, I love Blaine, and Kurt seems nice, but I already know i have a lot in common with Mike. Just like me, he's got another part to himself. Some people may not look past his mood swings, and others won't look past my stutter to get to know the real me. I know how it feels. I won't do it to someone else.

Too be honest, I haven't laughed this much all week. Mike's very funny, too. ANd smart, and obviously talented, and…

No, Tina. Don't develop feelings for him. You don't want a relationship, remember? Remember the way Hunter treated you?

I'm protecting my heart, and I think I deserve that much. I don't need a relationship. I just won't develop feelings for Sam. It's not worth the heartache, and I have bigger things to worry about. School and work and family and friends. And myself. I have got to put myself first sometimes.

I don't need to be in a relationship. I need to work on myself, and get good grades and keep my job and make my parents and myself proud. Boyfriends will complicate things,and I don't need that in my life. I'm not going to get hurt like that again.

I won't make the same mistake twice.

* * *

><p>SPOV-<p>

''Excuse me,'' I reach out to the woman in front of me, gently tapping her shoulder ,''You dropped this.''

Her eyes widen as I place her wallet in her hand, before she'c carefully checking the whole in her pocket.

''Thanks. Not too many people would return this,'' she sighs, placing the wallet in the other pocket.

''No problem. My parents raised me to be a gentleman,'' I shrug, stuffing my hands in my pocket.

''Hm. Well, they raised you right,'' she nods, turning back to the front.

The blush creeps up my neck, tinting me red for a moment.

''My name's Sam, by the way. Sam Evans.''

''Mercedes Jones,'' she beams, shaking my hand,''You look familiar. Do you attend NYADA?''

''No. I'm actually a male model,'' I explain.

''_Like she's going to believe that,'' _the voice at the back of my mind nags me _,''You need to work out more, Sam. Eat healthier. Lose weight.''_

It never takes a break. Does it?

''Right! I've seen your ad. We sale that underwear at our store,'' she speaks before shaking her head with a slight giggle ,''Wow. That was so lame. I can't believe I just said that.''

''No, it's okay. At least you're honest,'' I smile, laughing when she does.

How long has it been since I actually laughed like this? Not the phony laugh for certain photoshoots, or the one I give Mike so that he doesn't worry about the half-eaten meals and vomiting that has a daily occurrence.

Along with the excuse that I'm just sick. That's not a lie. I do feel nauseated. I am sick. I'll be fine, though.

I'll be fine.

''So, you're into superhero movies, too?''

''Yeah,'' she looks down at her stack of DVD's, ''My brother gave me some birthday money. I figured I could spoil myself a bit.''

''Same here,'' I hold up the two movies I got, ''I think that's okay to do every once in a while.''

My parents seem to be doing a bit better, and these movies don't cost too much. So it's okay, yeah?

''So. You go to NYADA? My friend Mike goes there. You must be crazy talented,'' I notice the way her nose crinkles a bit when she smiles.

''Thanks. I just… I need to improve my talents. Growing up, I was mostly involved in my church's choir. I'm looking for new opportunities all of the time, though,'' she tosses long, silky, black hair over her shoulders.

''Someone as beautiful and obviously talented as you? You'll be great.''

It's light hearted flirting. This is confidence I haven't had since… I can't remember.

''Thank you, Sam,'' she smiles, tucking a few strands of hair behind her ear as we slowly move towards the front of the store, ''That means a lot. You're going to have a great life, too.''

Yeah. If I can stay in shape and keep modeling until I can afford to go to college.

Not that I'd even know what I want to major in.

''I appreciate your confidence. It's...contagious, you know?''

For a few minutes, I'm not thinking about my body. I'm not thinking about the amount of hours I'll have to spend at the gym, or how many calories I should eat. It's been so long since those thoughts haven't constantly been clouding my mind.

So when I leave the store with Mercedes' number tucked away in my pocket and the sound of our laughter still ringing in my ears, I feel like I'm on cloud nine.

It's not until I'm back home and examining myself in front of the mirror that I'm filled with self disgust once again. I need to tone up more. I have to stay in shape.

''You okay,'' Mike questions, pulling his coat on, ''I'm going to get some stuff to make soup tonight. Do you need me to get you some ginger ale or something?''

''That'd be great, yeah. Thanks.''

If he knows the real reason why I've been throwing up so much lately, he hasn't said anything. He's not giving me any clue that he does.

And as long as he doesn't figure it out, it'll be okay.

* * *

><p>Later than night, I stare at myself in the mirror again. I need better abs. I need more toned arms. I need to fix everything that I see that's wrong when I look into the mirror. And there's so much to fix. SO much imperfection that I need to work on.<p>

But I ate today. I only ate half of the soup, and found myself heading for the toilet when Mike disappeared into the room to call someone he met named Tina.

I told myself that it was okay. The throwing up, I mean. I'm nauseated, anyway. And I have a photoshoot tomorrow.

''Just go to bed. You didn't eat that much. Just get up tomorrow and go for a jog or something,'' I force myself to go to bed, deciding to text Mercedes to distract myself.

The discussion about the movies draws my attention away from my insecurities. Momentarily, but it's effective. For the first time in a long time, I am going to bed without the added self-loathing and burning in my throat from throwing my food up. I wish this feeling could last, too.

It won't though. Tomorrow, I will go to the modeling photoshoot, and stand in front of the camera while all of my insecurities run through my mind. I'll analyze the add when it comes out, wondering if anyone can see the hideous flaws and imperfections I see, despite the work done on it.

Not tonight, though. Tonight I'll go to bed, thankful to have met someone who would distract me for a while, and who would be willing to go to NYADA movie night with Mike, Brittany, and I. Tonight, I'll get some sleep, because I have to get up early tomorrow. I'll go to sleep without the taste of vomit on my breath, and the fear of someone finding out in my mind. I'll enjoy the good day while it lasts.

Because this is the best day I have had in a very long time.

* * *

><p>BPOV-<p>

''H-how was the date,'' Tina questions, arm looped through mine.

I have no classes, seeing as it's Saturday. So I'm walking her to work.

''It was good. We're going to meet up again,'' I tell her, offering her a sip of my coffee, a bit of warmth in the cold weather.

After the disastrous first date with Jeremiah, I got in contact with one of my old Warbler friends. Due to a change of plans, he decided to attend college in New York. That's fortunate for me, because I could always use more friends here.

What began as a quick conversation ended in him asking me out. In high school, it was obvious that he had feelings for me. Why, I'll never know. There were plenty of handsome, more interesting, available guys at Dalton. Some of them were on the Warblers, too. He could have had his pick.

''W-what's his name again? He w-was on the Warblers, too, r-r-right?''

''Sebastian Smythe,'' I take my cup back from her, ''You remember, we did that duet during Dalton's open house?''

He was always flirtatious, making comments that left me blushing out of embarrassment… and confusion. Then again, he flirted with everyone. I was nothing special back then. I'm not now, either.

''W-well, I do h-h-hope that this w-w-w-works out for you Blaine,'' Tina yawns tiredly, covering her mouth before looking up at me, ''You deserve to be with a h-h-handsome, nice, s-smart guy who t-t-treats you well?''

Do I? Some- including myself- would disagree with you.

''Thanks, Tina,'' we stop outside, ''Well, this is your stop. I'll see you later, yeah?''

''Yeah, okay. Love you!,'' she kisses my cheek before disappearing into the store.

Tina is my best friend, but I don't know how to talk to her about this. Her last relationship wasn't ideal. Maybe I shouldn't even be in a committed relationship.

Maybe I should actually go on the date before making any rash decisions.

* * *

><p>''It's okay, Blaine,'' I whisper to myself as soon as I'm lying across my bed, texting Sebastian to confirm the details of our date.<p>

I've got a handsome, smart guy interested in me. I don't know why, but he is. I need to calm down, though, before this date ends up going as horribly as my last one.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this, though. Maybe Sebastian isn't trying to be flirtatious or indicate that he finds me attractive. Maybe..

No. I'll be confident. Or… at least act like I am confident. It's one date. If it goes well, great. If it doesn't, I'll start again.

After all, now is the time to make a fresh start.

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer- <strong>_**glee**_** belongs to Fox, and Ryan Murphy, Ian Brennan, and Brad Falchuk.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Trigger warning: mentions of past relationships, casual sex, mentions of bullying, inferiority issues, and eating disorders.**

* * *

><p>MercedesPOV-<p>

_''It's a two bedroom apartment. If you take one room, Tina and I can take the other. think we can all manage to share the bathroom,'' I tell Kurt._

_Other than the amount of bedrooms, the apartment is exactly what we are looking for. It's affordable, it's neat, and it's the perfect size._

_Kurt has done all of the talking. I'm too uncomfortable to do it, and Tina doesn't want any reaction to her stutter._

''_The question is, are you two comfortable with that? Because that's important, too,'' Kurt reminds us._

''_W-w-we will be f-fine,'' Tina nods, brushing black and blue hair out of her eyes, ''Next s-s-semester, we'll be on different schedules. The only time w-w-we will b-both be here is a-at night.''_

''_We're fine with sharing a room, Kurt. I need be, we could use the fold-out couch we want to get for the living room.''_

''_So this is it, ladies,'' Kurt speaks, a smile pulling at the edges of his mouth, ''We're really agreeing to this?''_

''_W-w-we're in,'' Tina nods, giggling along with me when Kurt pulls us into our small group hug._

''_I agree,'' I voice my own opinion._

''_It's official: Kurtinacedes is getting the apartment._

* * *

><p>That was last Saturday. Today, almost one week later, Mike generously helped us move in. It took several hours for the three of us to get the two bedrooms, the bathrooms, and the kitchen situated, deciding to leave the living room for tomorrow.<p>

Now, we're sitting in the living room,toasting our new found independence with soda and pizza.

''We c-couldn't get two v-vegetarian pizzas,'' Tina mumbles, picking her pepperoni off and dropping it back into the box.

''We will next time,'' I placate her, laughing when she rolls her eyes.

''W-whatever y-you say,'' she takes a bite of her own slice, smiling a bit, ''This is still good.''

''And,'' Kurt sets his cup down, ''It's the first meal in our apartment.''

That still feels funny. Not in a bad way, though. For the first time, I am not living with family. Kurt, Tina and I are responsible for this apartment. As scary as that is, it's also exciting.

I feel like I'm actually growing up.

''I think we could set up the living room tomorrow. I mean, yes, there are things that we have to buy. A couch, a stove, a television… but we can worry about that later,'' Kurt shrugs, ''I think we did well just for getting everything moved in the first day.''

''Mike sure was a big help,'' I nod with a yawn.

''I-I'll be sure to t-t-tell him that. W-w-we're meeting at NYADA t-tomorrow,'' Tina smiles fondly before catching herself, forcing her expression to become more neutral.

''I have to be at work earlier tomorrow,'' Kurt sighs before groaning, ''Then I'm meeting up with one of my friends. So I'll definitely be home late.''

''And I have an audition for some girl band. I saw the poster for it at NYADA,'' I explain, taking one of Kurt's hands as he helps us stand.

My social anxiety does get the best of me a lot, that's true. I have been getting increasingly more confident, though. Well, I think I have.

All that I know is when I'm on stage, none of that matters.

''Well, I'm sure you'll get in. I heard you singing from my bedroom. You have a gift,'' Kurt compliments me, picking up our cups.

''And i-it's nice to s-see you're not letting it go to w-w-waste,'' Tina speaks, grinning, ''I'm so p-proud of you.''

I will be, too. If I can get through my audition without choking. There have to be other girls at NYADA who are just as, if not more, talented than I am.

Like my brother says, though, you can't compare yourself to others.

''_Only do that when looking for ways to improve yourself,'' he'd say._

For so long, it has felt like I've been trapped. My social anxiety has had a hand in me missing countless opportunities. But no more. Mercedes Jones is a star in the making.

And it's time she takes the first step there.

* * *

><p>MikePOV-<p>

''Hey! Are you assholes picking on a first year?! Really?!'

Two guys from my dance class quickly grab their bags, disappearing around the corner as I help the freshman with his books.

''Here you go, man,'' I hand him his songbooks ,''Sorry about that.''

''It's alright,'' he gives an obviously fake smile ,''High school kind of prepared me, you know?''

''It's still not right,'' I stand, reaching out for his hand ,''I'm sorry I snapped like that, though.''

''No, it's fine. Thanks for defending me.''

''No problem. You're Blaine, right? You're in Miss july's first year dance class. I saw you dance all week. You are very talented,'' I compliment him as we stroll down the hallway.

''Thanks, but I'm nowhere near as good as you,'' he shrugs, ''Maybe some day? I mean, you're the first second year dance major to make it into the NYADA Winter Showcase in years.''

Don't remind me. It's an honor, but it brings a tremendous amount of pressure. Which is part of the reason I got in a fight with Sam over something so stupid I can't even remember it. The only evidence left was the sore throat I woke up with, and the deafening silence that accompanied breakfast.

Whatever the reason we fought, it's not worth losing a friend over. I need to fix this.

''You're very good. If you weren't, you wouldn't have gotten into NYADA,'' I remind him ,''I like your dance style, though.''

He performed the choreography exactly the way that Cassandra and I showed the class, but with his own style. He's got talent, and he is definitely attending the right school to feed that talent. NYADA only accepts the best of the best.

So why can't he see that?

''I have to get going. I have to practice with my dance partner for the show case. But a few of my friends and I are going to NYADA movie night since we couldn't all go last week. You should come.''

''Thanks, but I already promised my friend I'd go with her and her roommate. Maybe some other time,'' he compromises, and I quickly agree.

''Cool. I'll see you on Monday,'' I pat his shoulder,walking past him and heading to the dance studio.

I must say, I am very impressed with Tina. She's graceful, elegant, and extraordinarily talented. In all honesty, she could have applied here and easily got in.

''Hey,'' she takes her leg off of the bar ,''Y-y-you're early.''

''Well, we have a lot of work to do. The winter showcase is on Monday, after all,'' I drop my bag, slowly making my way over towards my dance partner.

The song we chose is _Thinking Out Loud_by Ed Sheeran. If this sounds like a story where two dancers fall in love…

It's not. Besides the occasional coffee date, I doubt that I'll see Tina much after this. We don't have any mutual friends or anything, so it's not like we will run into each other on a group date. She is a good friend, though. And I would like to keep seeing her. Even if it's not in a romantic away, she's a great person to have around.

''S-should we get started,'' she takes my hand, pulling me further into the room

''I'm ready when you are.''

She moves gracefully to the music, keeping in time with both me and the rhythm. Her dancing is strong and steady, yet fluid and gentle.

''Y-y-you know, Mike Chang,'' she beams up at me ,''You m-m-may just w-win this.''

With my parents coming from Kentucky just to see me dance, classes, work, and all of the other day-to-day responsibilities I have been facing, I have been feeling overwhelmed lately. Tina is so down-to-earth, and brings this calming presence with her. She gives me space when I do become angry or sad, and I give her space when she just doesn't want to talk. Well, as much space as we can give each other while choreographing a dance together.

What can I say? We just happen to be pretty good at working together.

* * *

><p>''W-w-well,'' I turn off the lights of the studio when Tina and I are done for the day, ''With a partner like you, I definitely will.''<p>

Then my parents will see that this is not a waste of time and money. They'll see just how good I am at this. That I have worked so hard to get to where I am.

Maybe they'll be proud of me.

That's not what matters right now. Tonight, I'm going to relax. Tomorrow, we're going to finish practicing before the show. I'm going to calm down, and just dance.

Because that's the one time when I can just be myself.

* * *

><p>SamPOV-<p>

_''You're so disgusting. Look at you. You eat too much.''_

That evil, nagging voice in the back of my mind has gotten to me. It's been there all day, reminding me how much weight I need to lose, and how much muscle I need to be.

So when the bile rushes up my throat, and I vomit into the toilet and it still keeps talking, only getting louder, I throw up again.

And again. And again.

And again.

The whole bathroom smells gross, and my stomach is still churning despite the fact that I have emptied it.

''You've got to do better, Sam'' I whisper to myself, staring back at red-rimmed, green eyes, wet from me vomiting repeatedly.

_''All you've got are your looks, Sam. Don't mess it up.''_

My throat burns. I still feel nauseated. My hands are dirty with my own spit and throw up.

But the calories are out. That's more weight I won't put on before my photoshoot on Monday. Calories that I won't have to spend hours at the gym burning off.

My phone buzzes, and I hurriedly pick it up as I run some water to clean my hands.

''Hello?''

''Hey,'' I recognize Mike's voice, and I can see the smile on his face without him even being here.

Being around Tina does that to him, I guess.

''Hey. What's up?''

''I'm coming home to change, then going back to NYADA for movie night. You coming? Tina and her roommates are going to meet me there.''

Great. Just what I need: Mike buying junk food and asking me to eat it, putting on more calories.

He'll watch me the whole time. It's not like I can hide then.

''I really think you should come. Get out of the apartment for a while.''

The concern is heavy in his voice. He shouldn't worry about me. I'm fine. I have this all under control.

I am in control of my diet.

Something tells me that, after finding my new bottle of diet pills this week, he's not taking ''No'' for an answer.

''Yeah. I'll be ready to go when you get here.''

''Great. I'll see you in about half an hour. Tina's going to meet us there. She insisted on getting some healthy snacks for her and her roommate,'' Mike explains.

That's perfect. I won't have to count to many calories. Just eat healthy, go for a quick run tomorrow, and to the gym before the photoshoot on Monday.

''Cool. I'll see you when you get here.''

With hang up, glaring at my hideous reflection one last time.

Mike wouldn't get it. He's a dancer. That's his exercise. That's how he stays in shape. He doesn't follow a strict diet, and he still looks great. That why I can't tell him. That's why I'll keep eating when he is here, and just throw it up. Half eaten meals won't satisfy his need to know his best friend is okay. I have to lose this weight, and I'll do whatever it takes. Yes, Mike knows something is wrong, even if he can't put his finger on what it is. But what he doesn't know what won't hurt him.

Even if it hurts me.

* * *

><p>BlainePOV-<p>

''Who's meeting us here,'' I sit down next to Tina and Mercedes, my date's hand clasped firmly in mine.

''O-our o-other roommate, Mike, and one of h-his friends,'' she explains, taking a bite of her apple.

NYADA movie night is in the multipurpose room, and is held every week. This is the first time that Tina has been able to come, though. Since she didn't want to leave Mercedes and her other roommate out, they'll be joining us.

''You want some,'' I ask Sebastian, holding out my bucket of popcorn.

''Sure,'' he glances up from his cell phone with a smirk, ''Thanks, babe.''

Too be honest, I never imagined someone like Sebastian dating me. He's always so calm, cool, and collected. He's confident, and capable of standing up for himself more often than I am.

Opposites attract, I guess.

''Sorry we're late, guys,'' I hear a familiar voice, and turn to find none other than Mike, ''This is Sam.''

''I-i-it's okay. It's n-n-nice to m-meet you, Sam,'' Tina grins at him, patting the spot next to her, ''Guys, th-this is Mercedes, Blaine, a-and Sebastian.''

''Mercedes,'' the blond, Sam, grins so widely that it's almost contagious as he sits next to Mercedes ,''Hey.''

''You two know each other,'' Mike questions, taking his spot next to Tina.

''We met while in line buying some movies,'' Mercedes explains, blush tinting her cheeks.

''Well, it's nice to meet all of you,''Sam speaks, and Mike nods in agreement.

''It's good to see you again, Blaine.''

''Same here, Mike.''

If I've made one friend at NYADA, I hope it's you.

''Now we just have to wait for our other roommate. He should be here-'' Mercedes begins, but is promptly cut off.

''Hey, guys, sorry I'm late. It took forever to get here.''

My heart stops momentarily before picking up speed, thumping as though it may come right out of my chest.

''N-no problem. Okay, Kurt. This is S-Sam, Mike, Blaine and Sebastian.''

Kurt catches my eyes, and gives a radiant smile before shifting his glasz eyes over to Sebastian and the color draining from his face.

''Hello, Kurt,'' Sebastian's voice is smooth and easy as he sticks out his hand, ''It's always a pleasure being with you.''

Kurt swallows audibly before nodding, stuttering out his agreement.

If we had more time, I'd question his sudden change in behavior. I'd ask why the air between him and Sebastian suddenly became thicker, filled with tension that could be cut with a knife.

I don't, though. Soon, the first of two movies is starting, an we're all settling back onto the blankets.

Sebastian, Kurt and I are sitting on one, with Mike and Tina lounging in front of us, and Mercedes and Sam next to us on the last one.

An arm wraps around me, pulling me closer until my head is resting on Sebastian's shoulder. Kurt shifts next to me, eyes glaring at Sebastian's hand on my thigh before he focuses intently on the screen, choosing not to voice whatever is bothering him.

I won't think about that now, though. I'm on a date with a very attractive, very intelligent guy. Me. Someone who knows that Sebastian could do better is actually on a date with him, soaking up the compliments and heat that he gives off.

I may never have this again. If Kurt's attitude has anything to do with what I think it does- jealousy- then I don't understand why. We've only hung out occasionally at work, but he seems like a pretty cool guy. He certainly is handsome, at least. So why can't he be happy for me like any other friend would?

I'm not that great. Sebastian seems something in me that I can't see in myself. For some reason that I can't figure out or explain, he is into me. Kurt will find someone. I have to accept the fact that I'm not like that.

I'm not the greatest guy, and I get that. I found someone who may want to be with me. Whatever Kurt's reasons are, I need him to get that and accept that. This time, I've found someone who wants the real me.

And I don't intend to let that go.

* * *

><p>KPOV-<p>

Here's a joke for you: A guy walks into NYADA's movie night to meet up with his roommates and some friends, and is instantly greeted by his handsome, sexy co-worker…

And his friend with benefits.

Sebastian Smythe is crude, sarcastic, and kind of shitty. All of those factors contribute to the many, many reasons that we will never go out with each other. That hasn't stopped us from sleeping together, no strings attached.

The nasty, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I saw him with Blaine, hand firmly clasped in his isn't jealousy, though. It's concern. Not for whether or not Sebastian will tell people that we've been hooking up, but for 's a good guy, really. He seems pretty trusting, too. Anyone can see that. He has this bright, wide-eyed innocence to him.

And Sebastian Smythe can destroy that in a heartbeat.

He's a heartbreaker, and he knows it. If not for our mutual agreement to just keep this casual, he'd do the same thing to me. And why not? I'm fresh of of a breakup, and currently looking for someone looking to fill the void left behind after Adam and I split. Sebastian is a real charmer, and it could be hard not to fall for him.

Especially when you're as insecure as Blaine seems to be. Sebastian knows when someone doesn't have confidence, then it's easier for him to hurt them. He's left a string of broken hearts in his wake. And me, in my stupidity… I'd slowly fall for him. Only to get hurt all over again.

I won't let that happen to Blaine.

* * *

><p>So later, when Tina, Sebastian, Mercedes and Sam have gone to get more snacks, I take that as my opportunity to talk to him.<p>

''So. Gunther says the place is more crowded than it has been in a while. All thanks to you,'' I smile when he chuckles.

''Oh, and are we sure that has nothing to do with the amazing food and waitstaff?''

''Well, I can't help but be good at everything that I do,'' I tease before coming serious, ''Look, I want to talk to you about Sebastian.''

''Oh,'' Blaine instantly straightens, ''What about him?''

He's bracing himself for negative content. I can't blame him. I didn't believe my friends when they said bad things about Adam. I blamed it on jealousy of what I thought I had with him.

Oh, how naive I was.

''He's… he has a bit of a reputation, you know? He's constantly sleeping around. That's fine, I mean, it's his choice. I just don't want you to get hurt by someone who only wants one thing.''

He stares back at me, blinking a couple of times before shaking his head.

''He's not like that. Not anymore.''

You have no idea how much he is like that.

''Look, Blaine. I know Sebastian. We're friends, right? I just don't want to see you get hurt.''

''If we're friends,'' he laughs a bit humorlessly, ''Then just let me be with someone who wants to be with me.''

He nervously pulls at a loose thread on his sweater, a tense look on his features before they soften.

''I like him, Kurt. Or, I like being with someone. He likes me, too. It's not like we're official or anything, yeah? I can't stop him from sleeping around if that's what he wants to do. Maybe this is a mistake, okay. But I have to try.''

The moment Sebastian joins us again, and Blaine shifts closer to him while casting a timid gaze towards me, I decide to drop the conversation. He's right. He can't stop Sebastian from sleeping around, effectively hurting him, anymore than I could have stopped Adam from hurting me. Sometimes you just fall in love, and lose your senses. And as much as that has sucked in my experience, Blaine could have a completely different experience than I did. I sure hope he does

In the end, it's not my decision. Sebastian Smythe is a egotistical heartbreaker, yes. Maybe he'll be different for Blaine. I know- and I vow to never do this again- that I changed myself for Adam. Not for the better, and in vain. Sometimes you end up with a person that makes you want to be a better version of yourself. I deserve someone like that, and so does Blaine

Hopefully Sebastian can be that for him.

* * *

><p>TinaPOV-<p>

''So. Mike seems to really like you,'' Kurt sings, going through his moisturizer routine.

Mercedes laughs from her spot on my bed, where she's braiding my hair while I sit on the floor.

''I-It's not l-l-like that,'' I internally curse my blush.

''We know, we know. We're just saying: he's into you.''

''A-a-a-and Sam is i-interested in you, 'Cedes.''

''I know. In fact… we were going to ask if you two wanted to double date with us.''

The request catches me off guard. I haven't dated in a while. Hell, I haven't even been on a casual date. It's not worth the risk of falling for someone. I'm not really looking for another, bad relationship. I don't want to make that mistake twice.

''It doesn't even have to be something serious,'' Mercedes quickly adds ,''We just want there to be someone else there in case things get too awkward. Friends can go out to eat together.''

She has a point. Mike is a good friend. And, when he's not upset, we have a good time together. He doesn't make unnecessary comments about my stutter. He's one of the few people that accept that, actually.

And if I felt that I wasn't going to get hurt, I'd want to give a relationship a chance.

Mercedes and Sam obviously have a connection, and she definitely has her heart set on this. Part of me, the more cynical side, wants to warn her that getting into a relationship will only be bad idea. What good would that do, though? This would be their first date. Besides, just because Hunter was a bad boyfriend doesn't mean Sam would be..

Either way, it's Mercedes' life, Mercedes' choice, and Mercedes' heart. We all make mistakes, and we have good days, too. This could turn out to be a good thing for her. She does have a good head on her shoulders, and Sam seems like a genuinely nice guy. So why shouldn't she give it a try.

''O-o-okay. Next Friday should be g-good,'' I nod, laughing quietly when she squeals in delight.

''Thank you so much, Tina. You won't regret it.''

''K-Kurt, you should come. I know Sebastian is b-b-busy, but Blaine w-will be there,'' I mention, noticing the way he flinches.

''Kurt, are you okay?''

''I'm fine, ladies,'' he gives an obviously forced smile.

''You're obviously not. Your entire mood changed after we introduced you to Sebastian,'' Mercedes insists, ''You can trust us, Kurt.''

He contemplates that, hesitating for a moment before sighing.

''I'm kind of… hooking up with Sebastian.''

My mouth drops open, but I quickly snap it shut as Mercedes clears her throat.

''Explain, Kurt,'' she voices my thoughts.

''It's strictly casual, guys. It's a friends with benefits relationship,'' Kurt quickly begins ,''And it's not like we haven't agreed on this. We're not dating. So I don't really have a say in what happens between him and another guy. I just… I know how Sebastian is. I'd hate for Blaine to get hurt.''

His tone indicates that he is genuinely worried about Blaine- as am I.

''D-d-did you tell Blaine?''

''I did. He told me to let him make his own mistakes.''

Of course he did. Blaine doesn't have a very good self image, and he's so trusting that it often leads to him getting hurt. Just like Hunter hurt me, the people closest to him often hurt him the most. Exactly like me, he won't listen to the negative comments from the people who actually do care about him.

I just can't let him get hurt. Not again.

''I-I'll talk to him,'' i reassure Kurt, who breathes a sigh of relief.

''Thanks, Tina. He deserves so much better,'' Kurt groans ,''I… I'm saying this as a friend.''

The side-eye Mercedes gives me tells me that, yes, she knows just as well as Kurt and I do that that's not true.

That's another issue for another day.

''J-just so we're clear, Kurt,'' I stand, stretching my sore muscles ,''You… you d-d-deserve better than Sebastian, too. So p-p-please don't let him treat you like garbage, even if you two a-aren't dating.''

''Yeah,'' Mercedes lounges across my bed, hugging a pillow to herself ,''You matter, too.''

He looks at the carpeting, running a hand through his hair before nodding.

''Thanks, guys. I really appreciate that. We all have to get up early tomorrow. We should get some sleep.''

After we all head to bed, I snuggle under the sheets, ready for a night's rest before getting back into the dance studio with Mike tomorrow.

A new text message lights up my phone, and I have to fight to keep the smile off of my face as the picture and name of the sender flashes on the screen.

**Mike**

_I had a good time tonight :) Hope I get to see you tomorrow._

What the hell am I doing? Did I not say I won't fall in love again? It's not worth the sleepless nights, and the broken heart.

How refreshing, right? A woman jaded about love due to a past relationship, slowly falling for a handsome man. That's not going to happen. No one knows just how deeply Hunter hurt me, and I plan to keep it that way.

Mike is a nice guy, yeah. He's not looking for a relationship either, though. He told me he wants to work on his mood swings first. He's under as much pressure as I am. Dating now could destroy what we have:a good friendship. I don't want that to happen. It's just nice to have a friend. Mike and I are better off friends.

And right now, that's definitely all that I can handle.

* * *

><p><strong> Disclaimer- glee belongs to Fox, and Ryan Murphy, Ian Brennan, and Brad Falchuk. <strong>_**Thinking out Loud**_** was performed by Ed Sheeran, written by Ed Sheeran and Amy Wadge, and produced by Jake Gosling. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Trigger Warning: mentions of past abuse and casual sex, contains mood swings, bad body image, social anxiety, and eating disorders.**

* * *

><p>TinaPOV-<p>

First dates are notoriously awkward. There's this almost tense silence that begs to be filled with conversation, and you nervously chat about yourself before realizing that the other person has not said a word all night.

This isn't a date, though. It's two friends getting dinner together while they're two friends are on a date.

''It's ironic, isn't it,'' Mike leans back in his seat, stirring his milkshake with his straw ,''They asked us to come in case they didn't have anything to talk about, but we're the ones lacking conversation.''

For the first time all night, I giggle, snorting out a laugh while shaking my hands.

''W-w-would you look at those t-two lovebirds?''

Mercedes and Sam are as oblivious to the awkward silence that has settled over Mike and I as they are to everyone else around them.

''They're sharing a milkshake. How cliche','' Mike jokes, taking a sip of his own with a small smile.

''Y-you know, ever since you w-won the Winter Showcase, you a-a-are such a jerk,'' I tease, biting into my veggie burger.

''_We_ won the Winter Showcase, Tina. I couldn't have done that without you,'' he speaks genuinely, ''Especially with my partner quitting on me.''

''Hey, what are f-friends for, ri-right?''

''Exactly,'' he glances at the dessert menu, ''Hey, do you want to split a slice of this chocolate cheesecake with me?''

''I...''

Don't want to make this seem like a date, and lead you on. Despite the fact that I have made it very clear that I am perfectly content being single.

''People who are just friends can share food, Tina. Besides,'' he leans forward, ''Besides, I know how much you love chocolate. And it's the least I can do, considering my parents adore you.''

Against my wishes, a giggle bubbles out of my throat at the memory of one of our many text message conversations.

Mr. and Mrs. Chang are incredible. They're even taking Mike and I out for dinner tomorrow, before they head back home. The Winter Showcase made them finally realize just how talented of a dancer Mike is. In all honesty, I believe it's going to make them happy that they agreed to let mike attend NYADA.

''Well, if it isn't Tina Cohen-Chang.''

My heart stops before beating rapidly, my stomach sinks, and a cold chill washes over me as I stare up at the owner of the voice.

''H-Hunter. Hello.''

''Still stuttering, I see,'' he crosses his arms over his chest, his lips twisting into his seemingly ever present, cocky smirk, ''Never did get that problem fixed, huh?''

''Who are you, and why are you talking to her like that,'' Mike's posture is suddenly rigid, body tense and fists clenched.

''Oh, so you got a new boyfriend and didn't tell him about your ex,'' Hunter feigns shock ,''I was your every first, Tina.''

''Hunter, I m-moved on or not is none of your- of your concern. You r-ruined our relationship. N-not me,''I defend, trying to keep my ground when Hunter's gaze darkens.

''Careful Tina. You know how I get when I'm mad,'' he says through his teeth, before turning to Mike ,''Good luck with this one.''

''First of all, I have no idea what happened between you and Tina. Second of all, it's your loss. Tina is fantastic.''

''Right,'' Hunter laughs humorlessly, ''Later.''

The silence is tense after Hunter leaves, only the sounds of the other diners filling it.

''Y-y-you didn't have to do that, Mike.''

''Yes, I did. Just because you can take care of yourself doesn't mean you don't need help. We all do,'' he drops his head into his hand ,''I'm just glad he left. I'm so mad that he talked to you like that. I just…''

''Mike, you… y-you kept your cool. And I-I am so proud of you f-f-f-for that. I mean t-that,'' I place my hand on his, smiling when he lets out a breath ,''Do you w-w-wanna get o-out of here? I've lost my appetite.''

''Yeah,'' he waves for the waiter, ''Sam and Mercedes are going to see a movie. We can go back to my place and watch some movies. I've got a lot.''

''T-that sounds like fun.''

And it does. A night in with a friend beats the possibility of running into Hunter again tonight.

''So,'' Mike turns on the lights, letting me enter the apartment first, ''What do you want to watch? I have a great collection of movies from home.''

''Anything i-is fine with me. I-I'll go get forks,'' I set the cheesecake box on the coffee table, practically skipping off to the kitchen as Mike chooses a movie.

This is nice. It's been a while since I've had a guy friend other than Blaine. Hunter's friend were never really my friends, all of them too busy making fun of my stutter when he wasn't around. Not that he would have defended me the way that I defended myself.

''You know,'' I sit next to Mike, pulling the blanket on me, ''I like t-that we can sp-spend time together without it being awkward.''

''Me too,'' he pats his shoulder, signaling for me to lay my head on his shoulder.

This is nice: spending time with a guy without the added pressure that would surely come with me dating him. It's stress-free.

Right now, that's exactly what I need.

* * *

><p>MikePOV-<p>

They say that a guy and girl can be friends, but they will definitely fall for each other at some point.

I don't know how true that is. Sure, I've been attracted to my girl friends. I find Tina very attractive, actually. The only girls I have slept would be my one girlfriend from high school, and a one night stand from when I first moved here.

Tina has made it very clear to me that she's not looking for a relationship. I respect that. I really do. Being her friend is pretty fantastic, too. When I'm with her, I don't have to try so hard to be so… perfect. My angry outbursts have become slightly less frequent, and she's always there to talk to me. So, yeah, being just friends is great.

So how did we end up like this- with me on my back on my bed, Tina straddling my hips, our lips pressed together in a heated kiss.

'' Can I- can I t-take this off,'' she whispers, playing with the hem of my shirt.

I slide it halfway off, before she takes it off completely, tossing it onto the floor.

''Wait, Tina. Are you sure about this,'' I detach my lips from hers, ''I'm not going to push you into something you don't want. You wouldn't do that to me.''

''Look: we b-both know I am n-not looking for a relationship. This is j-j-just kissing. And if it d-d-does turn into something more tonight, we'd both agree to it, r-r-right?''

''Yeah,'' I kiss her neck, ''So we both agree this is okay?''

''Yes. And w-w-w-we will st-stop whenever one of us wants to. Now k-kiss me,'' she brings her lips back to mine, groaning into my mouth.

This is okay. It's fine. It's not sex, and if it leads to that, we'll be okay. We're friends. She's a beautiful girl, and we care about each other, even only as friend. If this is a bad idea, neither one of us really care right now. All that matters is hot hands on even hotter skins, clothes slowly coming undone, and the hot kiss that we're locked in. Everything else can be worried about later.

Because I've never been so happy to just live in the moment.

* * *

><p>MercedesPOV-<p>

''Tell me everything,'' Kurt helps me with my jacket before sliding his own on ,''Don't spare any details.''

Sam dropped me back off at the Spotlight Diner after our date so that Kurt and I could walk home together. It gives us a chance for gossip, and we can make sure that each other gets home safely, since Mike is dropping Tina off.

''The date was fantastic. Don't think I didn't see you watching us.''

''I just happened to be appreciating your outfit, Mercedes. You never fail to disappoint fashion-wise,'' he smiles, looping my arm through his as we exit the Spotlight Diner.

''Well, thank you. Anyway, the date was incredible. Sam was such a gentlemen. We split a basket of fries and a patty melt, then we caught the late showing of that romantic comedy I've been wanting to see. ''

''Details, babe. Details. Please tell me you kissed each other.''

''We did,'' I practically squeal, feeling like I wished I had in high school, ''It was great, Kurt!''

''Oh, Diva, I'm so happy for you! Are you two meeting up again anytime soon?''

''Next Saturday, as a matter of fact,'' I nod in excitement.

With Sam, I didn't worry about everything. My social anxiety didn't go away, obviously, but I didn't care about how I looked or sounded or if it was stupid. He did impressions, told jokes, and reassured me that despite the girl group I auditioned for not wanting me that I should try again.

Which led to me picking up a flyer for a band called Pamela Lansbury while we were a the Spotlight Diner.

''Who knows? In no time, you two maybe double dating with Mike and Tina.''

I doubt that. Tina doesn't want another relationship. From what she's told me about her ex, I can't say that I blame her. Relationships can get messy, but she didn't deserve what he put her through. I don't blame her for being a bit hesitant when it comes to dating again.

''What about you? Any special guy in your life,'' I question Kurt.

''Is there a guy I'm interested in? Yes. I'm too busy for a relationship, though. And he's in one that's only going to end up hurting him.''

It's no secret that Kurt is referring to Blaine and Sebastian. He's obviously taken an interest in the admittedly handsome, dark haired, hazel-eyed singer. He speaks so animatedly about him when he, Tina and I discuss our days. Not to mention that I've seen the way Kurt looks at him. He may not have feelings for him yet, but something is definitely there. Kurt cares a great deal for him, and is only looking out for him when he warned him about Sebastian. Hopefully Blaine listens to Tina, if not Kurt. Because I'd hate to see a sweet guy like him get hurt.

''So I saw you grab a poster for the Pamela Lansbury. I used to be in it, with Santana and Rachel- they work a the diner- and Starchild Gilbert. A powerhouse voice like yours is sure to get in,'' Kurt opens his umbrella as the cold rain begins to come down, ''I could even out in a good word for you.''

''No, you don't have to. If I get into the group, I want it to be based on my talent alone,'' I reply, and he nods in understanding.

''You'll get in. Santana and Starchild are good judges of talent. The only one you have to worry about is Rachel, and her constant fear of being upstaged.''

That's insane. I've heard her sing. She's incredible. What does she have to be worried about? She was the second first year in the history of NYADA to be invited to perform at the prestigious Winter Showcase. Carmen Tibideaux only chooses the best of the best for that, and for the Spring Showcase. Hopefully, that will be my time to shine.

''I've heard you sing before. You are fantastic. Soon, you won't be afraid to sing in front of huge crowds.''

Oh, I will. Perhaps I won't let it stop me. Perhaps I won't care at all what others think of the way I look, the way I sound, the way I dress, or the way I perform. When I'm on stage, I try to leave that all behind and just get into the music. Usually, that is not hard to do. Sometimes things my social anxiety does get in the way, though.

Sam's going to be there, though. With a friendly, familiar face, I may be less nervous. He's so sweet, really. He did seem a bit on edge about having dessert, but I assured him that it'd be fine. I know he's a model. It's still okay to treat yourself every now and then, yeah?

''Well, we have to tell Tina all about this when she gets in. She texted me to say she's on her way. So less get the popcorn, movies, and get ready,'' Kurt kisses my cheek as we ride the elevator up to our apartment.

I know I've said this before, but now I see it happening: everything is looking up. I have the opportunity to be in a band, I'm doing very well in all of my NYADA classes, and have a date with a great guy who may turn out to be my boyfriend. I mean, he did seem a little on edge while we were eating, but I was a bit, too. It would be unfair to judge. I know how much I hate people judging me.

Negative thoughts aside, I have a feeling Sam and I could work out. I'm not what a lot of people see as conventionally attractive, but Sam sees me as beautifully as I see myself. With him, I didn't worry as much as I normally do.

I just hope this isn't a temporary thing.

* * *

><p>SamPOV-<p>

_''You have to be better Sam. Thinner, but with more muscle. How do you ever expect Mercedes to want you back?''_

There goes that voice again, reminding me of how disgusting I am. It's right, though. Mercedes is beautiful, with insanely hot curves, and a personality just as pretty as she is. She's talented. And ambitious.

What the hell would someone as great as her want me? She's so extraordinary, and I'm… not. My body is all I have, and I can't even take care of that well. I know I shouldn't have eaten that much the other night but I didn't care. I was on a date with an incredible girl, and I was having a good time.

I pay for that as I slump up against the bathroom door, exhausted from spending the last four hours at the gym. Thank goodness Mike has taken over Cassandra July's dance classes for the day, so he can't hear me attempt to get even more of this food out of me.

He suspects something, I'm sure. But the fact that I have not thrown up in the past two days has him off his guard a bit. Which is good. I don't need him to worry about me with everything else that he has going on. I can take care of myself, anyway.

Mom is worried. Of course, I'd be worried if my first born moved miles and miles away, too. She's just being a parent, I guess. I can't lie to her, though. So when she asks if I'm eating enough, I tell her that I am.

It's not really a lie, after all. I do eat. Just not a lot, and I throw up immediately afterwards. But I'm not like those other guys, who don't constantly worry about the way they look. Who are worth so much more than their abs and biceps and smiles. I see that. Everyone sees that. I'm not dumb, but I'm nowhere near as smart as my friends.

Modeling is all I have. Do I want to go to college? Yes. I love drawing, and I know I could do something with that. Like comic books or something. That'd be great.

My family needs me, though. Stevie and Stacie still have to buy winter clothes, the cable is out, and the car broke down. My parents are both working, but I can still help out. They were always there for me, now I can be there for them.

My phone lights up with a text message from Mercedes, making me smile as soon as I see her picture.

**Mercedes**

Ca_n't wait to see you after your shoot tomorrow ;) call me back in an hour or two. I'll be done with work._

She's incredible. We barely know each other, but I change for the better when I'm with her. Because she sees me, and doesn't see this gross mess that everyone else does. I can be my normal, dorky-self around her. Other than Mike and my family, there aren't a lot of people who let me do that. We laugh at a lot of the same things, and she's just really great to be around. And if I think I stood a chance, I'd ask her to be my girlfriend.

That's not gonna happen, though. Not yet. If she sticks around, then she likes me, right?

me:

_How about you practice your audition song for me? We could meet up after you get off of work._

Mercedes:

_ I like that idea :) I'll see you in then _

I've only got an hour, so I'd better get ready now. Take a shower and change my clothes.

_''What about getting that food out of you, Sam? You're so gross,''_ the voice nags again, but I attempt to push it out of my mind. At least for now. I haven't eaten much, and I can always go to the gym for a few hours tomorrow.

''You did well today, Sam,'' I nod at myself in the mirror, satisfied with how well I've been sticking to my diet and exercising lately. I hate having to throw up when I eat too much, but I've got it under control.

I'll get help if I can't take it. If it becomes too much. I've got this, though. I'm fine. Just fine…

''Just get ready to meet 'Cedes, Sam'' I push away from the door, willing myself not to crouch in front of the toilet and rid myself of this food.

Today was a good day. Some days are better than others, and some days are just plain horrible. Some days I hate myself, some days I just don't like myself. Considering where I was at before Mercedes text me, I'm doing much better.

So I'd better enjoy it while it lasts.

* * *

><p>BlainePOV-<p>

''I owe you an apology.''

Kurt looks up from filling the bottles with ketchup, nodding to the seat across from him, Oh?''

''Yeah. You and Tina both tried to warn me about Sebastian, but I...'' I drift off, shaking my head, ''He just wanted to use me. I wish I had listened.''

Of course that's all he wanted. We're in a city full of attractive, experienced, cultured and available men. Why would Sebastian be interested in a relationship with me?

''Did… did you? I mean, I don't want to pry, but...''

''No. No, I asked him what his intentions were. With me, I mean. He was honest,'' i pick up a bottle to help Kurt out, ''Shocker, right?''

''It's for the best. You, my friend, deserve someone that treats you the way you want to be treated, and wants the same things as you do,'' Kurt wipes the top off a bottle ,''Sebastian's an idiot if he threw that away.''

To say that I'm not attracted to Kurt would be an understatement. I mean, look at him. He is very good looking, very kind and sweet and confident. Do I want to ask him out? Yes. I have for a while.

Unfortunately, I lack the bravery. Cooper is the smooth one. There was never a time when he was without a girlfriend in high school. When he comes to visit in a few months, I'm going to be ''Cooper's little brother''. The one who is never as attractive and as talented of an actor as he is- despite getting into NYADA.

''Can I tell you something, Blaine,'' he leans forward, ''In case no one tells you: You matter. I see that. Tina sees it, and so does Mike. You should see that, and be with someone that does, too.''

Someone like you?

When I pictured moving to New York, I imagined how courageous I'd be. A new city, a new me. I wouldn't be that scared boy that I was. I'd be smooth and confident and suave, doing so well in my NYADA classes as Tina and I explored New York. I think that it's time to be that confident guy.

Courage, Blaine. Courage.

''Kurt, I have to go tune my guitar. I was thinking, though… do you wanna maybe wanna go catch a movie? As friends, I mean. No pressure.''

That way, I can see if you even like spending time with me. We're already friends, this is just us hanging out. Alone. In a movie theatre.

Maybe I didn't think this all the way through.

''That sound great, Blaine,'' Kurt grins ,''We can work out details over our lunch break. Go wow the crowd with your talent.''

''Thanks. Well, here I go,'' I pick up my guitar as I stand, ''I'll talk to you later.''

For today, I've put together a playlist of my favorite songs to perform. I even managed to get Rachel, Santana, and Brittany to duet with me during their breaks. Hopefully I can get Kurt to sing with me. He's got an incredible voice, and ours would sound great together.

''Hey, everyone. My name's Blaine, and I'm going to be the entertainment. If you like my singing, recommend the Spotlight Diner to your friends. If you don't, I apologize,'' I smile as a few people chuckle at my attempt at a jokes ,''Alright, this first song is Teenage Dream by Katy Perry.''

Kurt had offhandedly mentioned that it was one of his favorites once, which got us to talking about music and instruments and stringers. It also lead me to learning the chords to it so I can play it on the guitar. Is it cliche' that I learned this song just because Kurt mentioned it? Probably.

I don't care. It gives us something to talk about. He's a good friend, and we have a lot in common, and I get along with him. We had a great time hanging out with our friends, and we can have a great time with just the two of us.

''You like him, don't you,'' Santana asks me as we prepare for our song.

''I'm sorry?''

''Kurt,'' she nods to where he is cleaning tables on the other side of the restaurant, ''Are you interested in him?''

''Oh. Yeah,'' I shrug,''Why?''

''Look: he's one of my best friends. He's always there for me,'' she puts her hands on her hips, ''And he treats himself like crap. So if you're serious about this… please, look out for him, okay?''

This conversation is a stark contrast from Santana's usually vicious and scathing words. Her tone is soft and warm, one that she's never spoken to me in before.

''I wouldn't hurt him, Santana. I care about him.''

I don't hurt the people I care about.

''Good,'' she tucks jet black hair behind her ears, ''Come on, Blaine. Let's get this show on the road.''

I can understand her hoping I will treat right. We may just be friends, but anyone could see how attracted I am too him. If he's attracted to me, then everyone can see it but me. That's why I asked him to spend time alone with me, though- to get to know each other more. If I don't get a boyfriend out of all of this, then I can at least have a new friend.

And I can't say that I didn't try.

More Kurt in the next chapter :) and some shocking news

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer- <strong>_**glee**_** belongs to Fox, and Ryan Murphy, Ian Brennan, and Brad Falchuk.**


	7. Chapter 7

KurtPOV-

''So what did you think of the movie,'' Blaine questions, holding the door for me as we exit the theatre.

For the past three weeks, Blaine and I have been catching a movie. It's kind of a weekly tradition, I guess. We even have plans to go to NYADA's movie night again, since next week is the last before winter break.

''It was nice. I mean, at first I didn't think I'd like it. It surprised me. You have great taste, Anderson.''

''I aim to please, Hummel,'' he smiles sweetly, almost innocently.

In the long run, I think he'll be glad that things didn't work out with Sebastian. Now Blaine can be with someone who actually cares about him, and not just his body.

We continue to talk about the movie, examining every scene, every line,and every actress and actor. Blaine talks animatedly, obviously passionate about it. For me, it's just nice to see him come out of his shell a bit more. I really like who he's turning out to be.

''So…,'' he begins on the walk home, ''What started your interest in fashion? I've seen your designs. You're good.''

''Thank you. Actually, my mom did. I used to help her pick out dresses and pick out outfits when she went on dates with my dad. When she passed away, fashion felt like the one thing that still connected me to her,'' I explain, not used to talking about my mom with anyone other than my dad. Even those conversations are rare.

''I know she'd be proud of you. You have a real gift,'' Blaine compliments me.

''Thank you. Can I ask what got you interested in music?''

''My mom,'' he smiles rather fondly, '' She took me to see my first show when I was five. She started me in lessons, too. My older brother and I used to perform for our parents all of the time. Then, when I got to Dalton, I joined the Warblers. Tina, our friend Quinn, and I made a few videos of us singing, too.''

''And just think: when you're rich and famous, I'll be able to say that I knew you. Don't forget me when you're making your first acceptance speech for an award, Blaine,'' I tease, laughing when he does.

''Please. How could anyone forget those eyes?,'' he smirks as we reach my apartment building, ''Can I ask you something?''

''Sure,'' I nod after hesitating for just a moment.

''Do… do you want to go on an actual date next Friday? With me? Because I understand if you don't want to. I'd be happy just being friends with you. I just… courage, right?''

Courage. Something that Blaine has been trying to have more of lately, I guess. He's still a bit insecure. However, he's more social at work. He doesn't cling to me as he did when he wasn't on stage in the first few weeks. I'd call that progress.

''That'd be great,'' I nod, watching him visibly relax.

''Yeah?,'' he smiles hopefully, as if making sure that he heard me correctly ,''Great. It's a date. Literally.''

He's such a dork sometimes. It's not unappreciated though. In fact, it's quite infectious. The same personality that drew me to Adam. Sure, at some point I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with him. He seemed like the one.

He's moved on, though. Hell, he was hooking up with Chandler before we even broke up. Maybe it's for the best. Not everyone gets their soulmate on their first try. I'm not looking for a relationship, but there's nothing wrong with a date, yeah?

''We can work out details later,'' I press a kiss to his cheek ,''I'll see you at work.''

''Okay. Bye, Kurt,'' he grins before I walk into the building, closing the door behind me after saying goodbye to him.

The moment I'm in my room, I pull out my cellphone, ready to call my dad back. First, though, there is something I have to do.

* * *

><p>It's funny: I told Blaine to stay away from Sebastian to protect himself from getting his heart broken, but I didn't listen to my own advice. I seldom do.<p>

''Hey, sexy,'' Sebastian flirtatiously greets, ''Looking for a repeat of last night?''

''Sebastian… this has to stop.''

There's a beat of silence before Sebastian's laughing, a bit bitterly.

''You're kidding, right? We've been doing this for a while, and now you decide you don't want to sleep with me anymore? Can I at least freaking know why?''

''Because I'm not a hypocrite, Sebastian,'' I snap before composing myself ,''That's why. I can't sleep with you anymore because of moral reasons, I guess.''

''Let me guess: you're the reason I had that very uncomfortable conversation with Blaine about sex.''

''Yes. He deserved to know how you really are, Sebastian.''

''I'm assuming you just want him all to yourself. Otherwise, you wouldn't have given a shit about whether I hurt him or not,'' Sebastian muses, ''Whatever. Neither one of you are worth the time, anyway.''

With that, he hangs up, obviously furious. Asshole. It's not like we both didn't agree to casual barely even like each other, and this was all physical. If he wants to act that way, then fine. I can't be bothered with that now.

It's time to move on.

* * *

><p>''Yes, dad,'' I can hear him laugh through the phone as I speak ,''Please tell Carole that I am eating healthy meals.''<p>

''She just worries about you, kid. So do I,'' he admits ,''Always have, always will.''

My dad is the most genuine, most respectable person I know. Whenever I need help or advice, I know that I can go to him. He accepted me when I came out of the closet, even if not many people did. He's always been there for me, even now when I am in a completely different state.

Carole is my amazing stepmom. No one can take the place of my birth mom, no. Carole, though, is a great addition to the family. She's kind and sweet, and a perfect match for my dad. Where he's rough and coarse, she smoothes him out, and vice versa.

I guess I can't blame her. Her son, my step-brother, passed away. It took a while for her to feel okay. Nothing will ever make us forget him, but I think we're all in a better place now.

''I have to finish up some work, dad,'' I yawn, ''And get some sleep. I'll talk to you soon, okay? I love you. Please tell Carole I love her, too.''

''Love you, too, kid.''

With that, we hand up for the night, promising to talk tomorrow. Afterall, family is important to me. When they're all I have, they're there for me. Now, Tina and Mercedes are apart of that. And I'm extremely grateful.

Now I have the opportunity to get to know this kind, incredible guy. Even if a relationship doesn't come of it- we are both in school and working part time, afterall- it would be worth it. I think. I won't know if I don't go for it.

Sometimes new beginnings mean taking new risks.

* * *

><p>MercedesPOV-<p>

''So,'' I turn the radio off ,''Sam, what do you think?''

My audition was moved to this afternoon, right after I get out of class. Turns out that Santana will be on campus then, and Starchild will be meeting us. I've been practicing so hard, hoping to nail this audition. Yes, I already have a lot on my plate with school, work, and friends. I love to sing, though. And this is more experience for me.

''Your voice is just… incredible,'' Sam shakes his head ,''I'll be the one starting a fanclub for you.''

''Shut up,'' I playfully hit him.

''But…,'' he shrugs off his jacket, striding over so that he's behind me, staring at the mirror of the dance studio with me, ''I think your performance could use some dance moves, you know?''

''They're judging me based on my voice, Sam. Not my choreography,'' I remind him.

''I know, but this could give you that extra factor. Something that the other people acting out don't have,'' he explains.

''I'm not much of a dancer, though.''

''I'm not saying you have to have complex choreography like Mike. Here, how about I help you out a little. It's a sexy song- there's no reason you shouldn't add some more sexiness to it.''

I can feel my skin heat up as the blush rushes to my face, my embarrassment showing.

''I don't mean to embarrass you,'' he quickly sputters out, ''I just… you're very beautiful, Mercedes, ''If this makes you uncomfortable, then we can try something else.''

''No,'' I say firmly ,''I want to try. It's time to break outside of my comfort zone a bit.''

New beginnings, new experiences. Just as long as I don't lose myself in them, this will be ok.

''Okay,'' Sam grins as he places his hands on my hips, ''Start the music.''

As soon as the song begins, Sam moves my hips side to side, in time with the rhythm.

''Then,'' Sam moves so he's standing beside me ,''You just kind of roll your hips in time with the song. Just… feel the music, okay?''

I follow his lead, moving my hips in time with the music before allowing my body to just go with the song. My movies aren't as soft and graceful as Tina's, or as perfect as Mike's, but they're passion. It's just me getting into the music.

''Sam,'' I begins once the song ends, ''You are a genius.''

''I've been told that many,many times,'' he jokes, returning my embrace as I wrap my arms around his waist, ''You're gonna be incredible in this audition.''

I've definitely changed since I moved to New York. Hell, I've changed since I met Sam. I contribute a lot of that to my new experiences as a college student, but there is no doubt that he played a role in this. So has Tina, Kurt, Mike, Blaine… everyone. They're all going to help shape me into the person I'm meant to be.

The new me isn't a far cry from the old me, but the changes are there nonetheless.

So it only surprises me a little bit when Sam pulls me into a searing kiss, plump, pink, hot lips on mine.

''This okay,'' he pulls back a bit, staring at me with bright green eyes.

''Yeah,'' I whisper, ''This is ok.''

I pull him back into the kiss, letting myself get lost in it. Because as good as it feels physically, I feel something even more. No, I'm not in love with Sam. I do care about him, though.

Isn't that the first step to maybe falling in love with someone?

''Wait, wait, Sam,'' I pull away as his hand pushes my shirt up just a bit, ''We're at my school. We can't do this here.''

He blushes this time, sheepishly bringing a hand up to run at the back of his neck, ''Sorry.''

''It's fine. That was nice,'' I admit, ''I really have to practice now, though. My audition is five hours away. Go home and rest for a while, yeah? I'd better get going to class.''

''Yeah,'' he nods, handing me his bag as he reaches for his , ''I'll see you later, yeah?''

''Yeah. Thanks for being here, Sam. I really appreciate it. I'll see you later.''

He walks me out, and we take our separate ways.

''Mercedes!,'' Mike rushes over to me, ''Hey! I heard your audition's today. Break a leg.''

''Thanks, Mike. I need all the support I can get,'' I admit as we walk down the hallways of NYADA.

''You're going to be amazing,'' he reassures me, hands in his pocket ,''So… can I ask you something''

''Of course,'' I agree, turning the corner with him.

''Tina hasn't been talking to me lately. Do you know what's going on with her?''

''I was hoping you knew. I mean, she hasn't been feeling well lately. Kurt and I are going to talk to her tonight. I'll let you know what I find out,'' I watch as he relaxes just a bit.

''Thank you so much, Mercedes. That really means a lot to me.''

''Hey, what are friends for.''

I know he'd do the same thing for me if I was in this spot with Sam.

''I have to go. I'll see you later, I guess. Break a leg!,'' he enters a dance studio, waving goodbye to me as he does.

Kurt and I have noticed a change in Tina, too. She normally has such a calm, yet somehow vivacious personality. Lately, though, she's been gloomy, grumpy, and angry. Physically, she hasn't been doing too well, either. The stomach bug is going around, though. I'd be stressed if I had school, work, and was sick, too.

We decided that confronting her about would be best. We can't help her if we don't even know what's going on. I suggested we ask Blaine, too. Kurt said that we, as her roommates, should try to get involved first. I can't say I don't agree with that.

Whatever is going on with her. She's one of our best friends, and this is what friends do, right? No one wants to see her get hurt. If we can't get through to her, then we'll go to Blaine. There's no reason to make everyone worry if it's nothing too serious. Whatever happens, we're by her side.

Because sometimes life is too hard to get through it on your own.

* * *

><p>TinaPOV-<p>

_''Are you sure you don't need to go to the doctor? I'm sure Blaine would agree with me,'' Quinn's voice comes loud and clear over the phone._

_ ''I-I'm fine. Just a bit i-ill,'' I explain, flushing the toilet, closing the lid and sitting down, ''Sorry about that.''_

_ ''Honey, that's the third time you've thrown up since we've been on the phone. You need to go see the doctor. Go schedule an appointment.''_

_ ''Fine, f-fine. I'll go see if I-I have the contact information in my bag.''_

_ Quinn continues to speak, lecturing me about taking care of myself. The same way Blaine would if he knew that I've been vomiting every morning. It comes from a place of caring, I know. It's just really annoying._

_ She's at Yale, and Blaine's at NYADA. They know what college is like. I'm under so much stress, and that really takes a toll on my body. Skipping periods, fatigue, and nausea are not unusual for me during a school year. _

_ I pull out my planner, wanting to see what day I could be free to go to the doctor before I call. The realization that hits me when I do, though, causes my stomach to churn painfully. I may just throw up again._

_ ''Q-Quinn? I'll call you b-back,'' I reassure her, sighing in relief when she says her goodbye and hangs up._

_ I'm an idiot. I'm such a freaking idiot. I've been trying to guard my heart for a while now, and it seemed pretty easy to do. I told myself to ignore my attraction to Mike, and focus on school, work, and friends._

_ Then I went and slept with him. I know. Cliche', maybe. But it felt right at the moments, and I had no regrets then. Now, though… I can't just act like things didn't change. Sex can change things, either for better or for worse. If this feeling in the pit of my stomach is for good reason, then this could be bad news._

_ I've missed my period. Combine that with nausea and fatigue and the fact that I slept with Mike not too long ago, and it's no wonder that I'm so worried that this isn't just my usual stressful week taking it's toll on my body. _

_ No… This cannot be happening. There could be a million things going on with me, yeah? I won't know, though, until I find out for myself. No matter how terrified I am._

* * *

><p>Which is how I ended up here, in the bathroom of our apartment with a pregnancy test, waiting for the timer on my phone to go off.<p>

I want a child one day, but not now. Not when I'ma college first year, and still learning how to be an adult. How am I supposed to raise a completely dependent human being with all I have going on in my life?

Not to mention the fact that I'd have to tell Mike, too. He's at NYADA, one of the best performing arts colleges in the world. His dream is to dance, and a baby would derail that dream. Just like it would derail my dream of being a journalist.

The timer goes off, and I feel my heart begin to race. Slowly, I pick up the stick, dreading what I will see when I turn it over.

''J-just breathe, Tina,'' I attempt to calm myself down ,''It'll all be okay.''

And whatever the outcome is, I'll find a way to deal with it.

Blaine, Mike, and Sam in the next chapter :)

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer- <strong>_**glee**_** belongs to Fox, and Ryan Murphy, Ian Brennan, and Brad Falchuk.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Trigger Warning: mentions of abortion, contains eating disorders, self-hatred, low-self esteem, weight-consciousness, social anxiety, unplanned pregnancy, anger issues, sexually transmitted diseases, and mention of parental neglect.**

* * *

><p>BlainePOV-<p>

''So,'' I sit on the edge of Tina's bed, careful not to make the the clothes she's been folding fall, ''What now?''

She's dropped some major news on me. It affects her far more than it does me.

''What th-the hell am I supposed to to d-do, Blaine,'' she runs her hand through thick, black and blue streaked hair ,''I'm b-barely nineteen, and I'm a-a-about to have a b-baby.''

She moves clothes out of her way, lying back on her bed with one hand on her stomach, tears continuing to stream down her face.

''Tina,'' I lay back so I'm facing her, wiping tears from her eyes ,''Who all knows?''

''You. And o-obviously me,'' she sniffles.

''Kurt and Mercedes don't know yet?''

''I don't w-w-want to involve them before the the dad kn-knows,'' she explains, ''I haven't even told Q-Quinn yet.''

''Who's the dad? Someone at Columbia,'' I question, knowing full well that she hasn't been seeing anyone lately.

''You h-have to p-p-promise that you won't tell a-anyone, Blaine,'' she whimpers, seemingly embarrassed ,''I-it's Mike.''

Silence settles between us then, the only sound the ticking of the clock on her and Mercedes' nightstand.

''Tina.''

''I-I already know, B-Blaine,'' she snaps ,''I'm s-s-such an idiot! I-I d-don't even have enough m-money t-t-to take care of a-a baby!'

''Tina, honey, you have to calm down,'' I push her hair back from her eyes as she begins to sob.

''I d-d-don't want a baby right n-n-now, B-Blaine!,'' she gasps through her sobs, ''And Mike… M-Mike can't know.''

''Tina, I won't tell Mike. I know you want to tell him-''

''No. I...I c-c-can't have this baby. I don't w-w-want him to ever know,'' she's sobbing again, body shaking violently ,''I have to…''

I know what she means without her even having to say it loud, the way her sobs rack her body making it clear.

''Abortion,'' I question as she nods miserably, beginning to calm down ,''Tina, are you sure? I don't think-''

''You don't g-g-get to think about th-this,'' she hisses ,''My body, my b-baby, my decision.''

She's tense, so I can't blame her for lashing out at me like that. Hell, if the situations were reversed, I'd probably be the same way. However, I know Tina. And I know that she tends to make decisions in the heat of the moment that may not be the best for her.

''Tina, you know I'm not trying to tell you what to do. You're my best friend, and I care about you. Which is why I think that you should think about this, and tell Mike, before you make a final decision. You've only known for a few days, yeah? Don't… make any decision whatsoever before considering all of your possibilities.''

''I think th-that this i-is the only o-one, Blaine,'' she groans, ''I… I don't kn-know what else to do!''

''Do you want my opinion,'' I continue when she nods ,''I think you should tell Mike. It is his baby, too.''

''I g-guess you're right. It's just… I a-am s-s-so not ready for this.''

''Hey, it's all going to be alright. It's just… you remember that girl that you went to Crawford with who got pregnant during her senior year? I know she chose to end her pregnancy, but that was her. This is you. I'm not judging either one of your decisions, I just want you to do what's best for you, and with a clear mind. You have options.''

''Blaine A-Anderson,'' she sniffles, snuggling closer to me ,''I have n-never been so h-h-happy to have s-someone l-l-like you as a best friend. Thanks.''

''No problem,'' I kiss her head ,''Now. Let me help you finish packing.''

* * *

><p>I leave Tina with the promise that she will tell Mike when they meet up tomorrow so he can take her and Mercedes to the airport. Which is good, I guess. She did agree that, if it is his baby too, then he has the right to know. I'd hate for her to make a decision without weighing all of the options first. All she really wants is to have no regrets.<p>

But every decision comes with consequences.

''Blaine!,'' I am startled by Kurt's voice, meeting him as he comes down the hallway towards their apartment ,''Hey! What are you doing here?''

''Hey! Hey, yeah, I was just visiting Tina. She needed help packing,'' I lie, knowing full well it's not my place to tell him about her baby, ''She and Mercedes are going home for break tomorrow.''

''Yeah,'' he sighs, ''Lucky. I'm not leaving until Friday. What are your plans?''

Well, let's see: my parents are going on vacation, and my brother is in California with his girlfriend's family. So I'll be staying at my house, alone. Quinn and Tina have both invited me to spend Christmas with their families, so that's something.

''Oh, that's too bad, Blaine,'' Kurt speaks, causing me to blush as I realize I just complained out loud.

''S-sorry. I don't mean to burden you with my problems. No wonder no one wants to be around me. I'm no fun,'' I try to laugh, but I'm only half-joking.

''Don't say that, Blaine,'' Kurt gently chastises, ''Look, I don't live too far away from Westerville. You could spend Christmas with my family.''

''That…,'' I try, shocked by his kindness, ''You don't have to.''

''No, I want to. Besides, Carole would love to have you over. I talk about you non-stop. And… and I just said that outloud.''

Well, it does beat being home alone on Christmas. Mom and dad will be on a cruise. Cooper will be in California, doting on his girlfriend. Mike and Sam are both going home to Kentucky. Tina and her parents will be spending Christmas with Quinn and her mom…

And it looks like I will be spending my day with the Hummels.

''If you're sure I'm not imposing,'' I check ,''I'd love to.''

''Perfect! I'll call dad and Carole, and they'll pick us up from the airport. I can give you all of the details on our date,'' he smiles, glasz eyes shining.

''That… that sounds fantastic,'' I nod, mentally kicking myself, wondering where my confidence has gone off to all of a sudden.

''Fantastic. I'll talk to you later, Blaine,'' he kisses my cheek before continuing towards their apartment.

Kurt is a very attractive guy, and I somehow convinced him to be into me. Because even if you shouldn't just want someone because they're aesthetically pleasing to look at, there's no denying that he could be model: tall, handsome, and fit. What he sees in me, I will never understand. Not even my own parents think I'm worth much, apparently. So it's amazing that someone I met only a short while ago thinks so much of me.

Hopefully I'll soon be able to do the same for myself.

* * *

><p>SamPOV-<p>

It hasn't been long since Mercedes and I basically groped each other in the choir room, but it feels like it's been weeks. I went to her audition that afternoon, and we pretended like nothing even happened.

Of course she was repulsed by me. I'm disgusting. What girl wouldn't be turned off?

So, I've been working out more, eating less, purging more. I've got to get this weight off of me.

During the one moment of insecurity she's shared with me, I've learned that she doesn't always like the way she looks. Which I didn't understand, because she has insanely hot curves. I should have told her that.

She told me about how she's afraid people will only want her voice, and not her. Well, anyone who doesn't see she's beautiful inside and out with talent to match her external extraordinariness doesn't deserve her. I did say that outloud, amused by her blush. Mercedes Jones is so much more than her voice or body, and she needs to know that.

Unlike her,my body is all I have. And, look at me: idiotically falling for someone who must be as repulsed by me as I am by myself. After all, what would a beauty like her see in me?

''You're so useless,'' that nagging voice continues to taunt, and I agree with every word, ''You've got to lose weight.''

If you don't have your looks, then you have nothing. That's what the voice constantly pounds into my head, as if I didn't already know.

Not even Mercedes can distract me, despite the texts she sends me. Mike doesn't know, and that's helpful. I eat in front of him, throw it up when I turn the shower on, go the gym while he's at NYADA, and when I'm not at one of my photo shoots.

''I'm disgusting,'' I laugh bitterly ,''No wonder she doesn't want me.''

I'll be worthy of her, though. Good enough. She won't have to be embarrassed to be with me like I know she must be. Then again, who wouldn't be?

''Hey, man, you okay,'' Mike knocks on the bathroom door.

''I'm fine,'' I flush the toilet, unwilling to open the door ,''I just got overheated at the gym. I overdid it.''

I regret the moment I open the door and find Mike staring back at me, concerned etched on his face, ''You sure? I think you have what Brittany and Tina have.''

I highly doubt that.

''No, no, I'm good. I'm fine. In fact, I'm supposed to be getting ready to meet Mercedes. You need anything while I'm out? We're going to a movie.''

Where I'll be forced to eat to keep up this charade, and I'll run home after I drop her off, desperate to get the food out of me.

Desperate to be enough for someone, for anyone, but for myself. And I won't stop until I get there.

''You alright,'' Mercedes questions, soft hand entwined with my calloused one as we wait in line for our movie tickets.

''I'm fine,'' I silently plead for my eyes to focus, staring down at her ,''Just tired. And a bit hungry.''

''A bit'' is an understatement. I'm so hungry, and so dizzy. It'll all be worth it when I see the results. When I look as good as all of the other male models, who don't have to resort to starving themselves, binging and purging, and diet pills since they are already the vision of perfection.

''Excited for break?''

''So excited,'' she nods ,''I'm glad my classes got out early. Although… I am going to miss you.''

''Well,'' I wrap an arm around her shoulder ,''We'll just have to meet up when you get back next month.''

I'll have lost weight and built muscle by then. I'll be handsome for you, just like you deserve. I won't be so disgusting.

''Do you want to split popcorn,'' Mercedes asks ,''It's my turn to pay.''

''Are you sure about that,'' I question, stomach clenching at the thought of working off all of those calories.

''I'm pretty sure, yeah,'' Mercedes nods ,''You paid last time. I've got this.''

''No. I mean… I mean the popcorn,'' I explain, running my hand through my hair roughly ,''Isn't that unhealthy.''

''I… I guess you're right,'' she looks forward, an unreadable expression on her face.

Shit.

''This is about me, you know. I have a photoshoot the day before I leave, and don't want to risk an acne breakout.''

There. It's not a full lie.

''Oh,'' she nods ,''Right. Sorry. How about we get no salt or butter? That's much healthier.''

And fewer calories to work off.

''Perfect,'' I kiss her hand ,''That sounds good.''

* * *

><p>I fell asleep about halfway through the movie, only to wake up to Mercedes gently shaking me. Thankfully, she understands how exhausted I am, even if she doesn't know all of the details as to why I am so tired all of the time.<p>

''I had a really nice time, Sam. Hopefully we'll be able to get together soon after we come back,'' she grins up at me, white teeth dazzling me.

Could I sound anymore cliche'?

''I agree,'' I nod as I walk her up the stairs of her apartment building, ''We could go see that new superhero movie, yeah?''

''That sounds fantastic,'' she sticks her hands in her pockets ,''So… can I tell you something?''

''Of course,'' I mentally prepare myself for the statement.

_''See? She doesn't want to date you. You're too gross, and she's so beautiful. Why would she settle for chubby, dumb, ugly you?''_

The voice pounds in the back of my mind, reminding me of every insecurity I've ever had. It never takes a break, and it only gets worse, telling me of things I already know.

''So… I kind of get butterflies around you. And I like that feeling. I haven't felt it in a long time. So if you're as into me as I am you… do you want to be my boyfriend?''

Oh. Wasn't expecting that at all.

Mercedes takes my silence for rejection, quickly explaining herself ,''I just… I like you. And my mom says we only regret the chances we don't take. And I know, well I don't know, but I'm just trying not to let my social anxiety rule my life. So, yeah. This...this is awkward. This is so awkward. I shouldn't have even asked you-''

''Mercedes,'' I laugh despite myself ,''No. I… I'd love to be your boyfriend.''

''Yeah?,'' she bites her lip, shifting slightly.

''Yeah,'' I bring my lips down to softer, plump ones, enjoying our second kiss, ''I was going to ask you, but I was too afraid.''

Because I have no damn clue why you like me. What the hell do you see in me?

''Well, at least one of us took the leap,'' she teases ,''Rather sooner than later, yeah?''

''Yeah,'' I kiss her once more ,''You'd better go in. You've got to be up early tomorrow.''

Mike decided renting a car would be nice, seeing as we're taking Tina and Mercedes to the airport and then driving to Kentucky two days later.

''So,'' I take her hand ,''I'll see you tomorrow morning, girlfriend?''

''Yeah,'' she giggles giddily ,''See you tomorrow, boyfriend. And we can be even more cheesy.''

With one last kiss, she walks into the building while I begin my jog home.

Just because she wants me now doesn't mean she will always want me. How could she if I don't look good? Mercedes may not be shallow, but aesthetics can be important too, right?

Tonight, I won't urge. I'll just go to bed hungry, so I want have to throw up. I'll hit the gym early tomorrow morning before going with Mike to pick up Tina and Mercedes.

When I get back home, I'll buy some more diet pills. Mike won't be at home with me, and I can hide them easier from my mom and dad. I'll jog more, exercise more, only eat when I have to. It's a routine, and I need to get better at it if I want to _be better._

Sleep, wake up, exercise, eat, vomit, repeat.

Hope no one notices, because I do not have a problem. Ignore the pains in my stomach from not eating. Try not to hate myself because the number on the scale isn't where I want it yet, no matter how far it's drooped.

Make it through the day, laugh with Mercedes, pretend it's okay.

Repeat.

* * *

><p>MikePOV-<p>

''That's the last of yours, and Sam is helping Mercedes with hers,'' I place Tina's suitcases in the trunk ,''So, can we talk?''

Keep your cool, Mike. There's probably a very good reason Tina ignored you for a while.

''Sure. A-about what?''

''About the fact that you didn't answer my calls or texts,'' I grit my teeth ,''And I didn't know why.''

''I w-was busy. Relax,'' she rolls her eyes, which only fuels my anger.

''That's a load of crap, and you know it. I was worried about you!,'' I hiss through my teeth before taking deep breaths, trying to calm down ,''I'm sorry. I don't like lashing out at you. That scared me, though.''

She bites her lip, casting her brown eyes to the ground ,''W-well, Blaine kept h-his promise. D-d-didn't tell y-you.''

''Tell me what,'' my eyebrows furrow,'' Are you both okay?''

''He i-is, yeah. M-me, not s-s-so much. You m-may not be when I t-tell you.''

''Tell me, Tina. Are you hurt? Or...''

My mind runs through so many different possibilities, each one making me feel more and more ill.

''Before I tell you this, I want you to know that I h-h-haven't made a decision yet. I thought y-you should know, e-even if I am going to do w-whatever I-I feel is r-r-r-right.''

''Tina, please,'' I refuse to let my emotions get the best of me.

She's just going to say she regretted sleeping with me. Of course she did. We were both upset, and horny. It was a bad mistake, but we both consented. So why is she so upset? Did I hurt her?

''I w-went to the health clinic.''

My stomach drops. Of course. We barely remembered to use protection, and we weren't careful after that. So now-

''M-Mike,'' she looks up, tears shining in her eyes, cutting my thoughts off ,''I'm pregnant.''

**Mike's reaction and thoughts in the next chapter!**

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer- <strong>_**glee**_** belongs to Fox, and Ryan Murphy, Ian Brennan, and Brad Falchuk.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Trigger warning: contains mention of adoption adoption, contains unplanned pregnancy, parental neglect, death of a parent, self-deprecating thoughts, social anxiety, eating disorders, use of diet pills, body image issues, and abortion.**

* * *

><p>MikePOV-<p>

_I'd convinced Sam to drive, and he and Mercedes are excitedly talking in the front seat. Both are completely unaware of the way that my world has been shifted, the way that Tina's life is about to change, and the little life currently growing inside of her._

_ My parents are going to kill her._

_ Tina's staring out of the window, hands in her lap as she steadily ignores me. Which may be for the best, because I may just say something that I regret._

_ We should have been more careful. Damn it. No, we shouldn't have even slept together, regardless of whether or not we used a comment. It's too late to be worried about that now. The damage is done._

_ Now there are decisions to be made._

_ ''I w-w-wanted to tell you b-before I made my d-decision. I think that it w-w-would be best for b-both of us if I just… ended the pregnancy.''_

_ Oh._

_ ''Oh,'' I clear my throat ,''So… are you...''_

_ ''I d-don't know yet,'' she sighs, running a hand through her thick hair , ''I wi-will let you know. I'll l-let you know my decision b-b-before I do anything. We have options, yeah?''_

_ ''Thank you,'' I shove my hands in my pocket, ''I… I appreciate that. I'm here for you.''_

_ ''Tina,'' Mercedes hurries over, hand clutched in Sam's ,''We have to go. Thank you guys so much for bringing us to the airport.''_

_ ''Y-yeah. Thanks for b-being here,'' Tina looks at me, the implication in her words weighing heavily on the both of us before she and Mercedes are heading to board their flight._

* * *

><p>That was several days ago. Now, the Evans are here to celebrate Christmas. Stevie and Stacey are downstairs with our parents, and Sam's sitting on my bed, trying to get me to talk to him.<p>

''Look, if you wanna be alone, just say so, dude. I… I'll come get you when dinner is ready,'' he stands, heading towards my door.

''Tina's pregnant.''

Sam freezes before slowly turning to face me.

''What?''

''Tina. She… she is pregnant,'' my voice cracks ,''And i-it's mine.''

''Dude,'' Sam sighs, running a hand through his own hair in frustration, ''What now?''

''I don't know. She's gonna let me know before she makes a decision. Last time we talked, though, she was leaning towards terminating her pregnancy.''

''Dude… I know it's her body and all, but that's gotta be a little rough for you, too,'' Sam sits on the edge of my bed, patting my shoulder.

''She says she could have the baby, and we could give it up for adoption,'' I wipe the tears from my eyes ,''And I'm trying to be there for her, but she doesn't even know what she wants to do yet. And… and I don't know what I'm supposed to-''

I break into full on sobs for the first time in a long time, years of trying to be strong for everyone else finally crashing down around me.

''Shh,'' Sam wraps an arm around me ,''Calm down, dude. It's ok.''

My life is spiraling out of control, and I know that I'm partially to blame.

Now I just have to figure out how to pull it back together.

* * *

><p>KurtPOV-<p>

''Dad, if you love me, you will not embarrass me,'' I tell him as I help him set the silverware and plates on the table ,''Not in front of Blaine.''

''I'm your dad, kid. That's my job,'' he smirks, setting a few forks and spoons down ,''So tell me more about this Blaine guy. What's he into?''

''Well,'' I begin, placing the last plate on the table ,''He's a first year at NYADA. He wants to be on Broadway. He really likes football, so that's something you two could talk about, I suppose. Really, he's just nice and smart and talented and handsome. He-''

''You've got a crush,'' my dad laughs ,''Don't worry, Kurt. I'll only embarrass you when necessary.''

The doorbell rings, and I can't help the way that my heart speeds up.

''He's here. Dad, please. Behave,'' I adjust my sweater before basically spring towards the door, ignoring my dad's chuckles.

''Blaine,'' I open up the door to his smiling face, ''Welcome.''

''Thank you,'' he steps in as I move aside ,''It means so much to me that you invited me. Thanks, Kurt.''

''Hey, what are friends for,'' I watch him shake some snow off of himself, a few clinging to his eyelashes ,''It's snowing heavily, huh?''

''It wasn't as bad when I set out, but, yes. It is.''

''Kurt,'' Carole calls, ''Dinner's ready.''

''Come on,'' I hang Blaine's coat up, ''Follow me.''

''Kurt, I left the rolls in the kitchen. Could you… oh, hello,'' Carole sticks her hand out for Blaine to shake it ,''You must be Blaine. I'm Carole, Kurt's stepmom.''

''It's so nice to meet you, ma'am. These are for you,'' he holds out a bouquet of flowers.

''Blaine, they're gorgeous. I am going to go put them in some water,'' she turns to me ,''Kurt, could you help me with dinner?''

Part of me doesn't want to leave Blaine alone with my dad. We're not even dating, but my dad can be pretty damn intimidating when he wants to be.

Dinner goes pretty well, surprisingly. Dad and Blaine discuss football and my dad's job as a mechanic. Carole is flattered by the interest he shows in her job, too, considering some things that she has to deal with as a nurse still make me cringe.

* * *

><p>So later, when he's helping me with the dishes, it's very easy to thank him for making this Christmas so nice.<p>

''Ever since Finn passed away, things haven't been the same. Tonight, you brought some of that light back to the house. So… thank you.''

Blaine glances down, struggling to keep his blush under control, ''Thank you for having me. I don't even have this good of a time with my own family. So, yeah, thanks for putting up with me.''

''I really wish you'd stop seeing yourself as a burden, Blaine. You're great to have around. Come on, I'll walk you out to your car.''

After his goodbye's to dad and Carole, Blaine and I slip our coats on so that I can walk him out to his car.

''This is my favorite part of winter,'' he looks up at the falling snow, ''It looks so pretty. Like a picture on a postcard or something.''

''It does, doesn't it? This was my mom's favorite part, too. On the first snowfall of the year, we'd always rush outside and make snow angels,'' I glance down, listening to the sounds of our boots crushing freshly fallen snow as we walk.

''Your mom is always with you, though, yeah? Like, in here,'' he places a hand on his heart ,''So is Finn. Plus, if you ever have kids some day, you can share memories like that with them.''

There he goes again: seeing the world around him in such a positive light, even if he can't see himself the same way. His positivity isn't constant, but it's often. And I need that sometimes.

I'm not complaining that it's coming from him.

''So, we'll have to go on another date,'' I hesitantly take his hand in mine, relaxing when he accepts ,''I had a nice time with you, Blaine. I always do.''

''And I with you,'' his eyes avoid my face ,''So remember all that stuff I said about courage? I don't know if you like me as much as I like you, because why would you? Feel free to stop me, by the way. I'm just gonna go for it.''

''Blaine, what are you-''

Pink, slightly chapped lips are on mine, eliciting a slightly embarrassed moan from my mouth as I really give into the kiss.

''That was nice,'' I laugh breathily as we pull away.

''It really was. Hopefully we'll be able to do that soon,'' Blaine presses one more kiss to my lips before walking around his car to get in.

''Call me when you get home, yeah,'' I rub my arms, trying to create some friction to take my mind off of this cold weather.

''Will do. Talk to you, soon, Kurt.''

He slowly pulls off, and I wait until his car is out of sight before heading back into the house.

''I approve,'' my dad's voice startles me, causing me to knock the coat rack over.

''Dad. Please don't do that,'' I pick up the stand, placing all of the coats back on it,''And you approve what, exactly?''

''Of Blaine. He's a nice kid,'' dad nods, ''Seems like a good match for you.''

Except for the fact that he's so innocent that kiss felt slightly wrong, but oh so right in many more ways.

''Well. I'll be seeing him again,'' I assure my dad ,''Probably before break is over.''

''Good. I'm glad you're making friends, Kurt. I know high school wasn't easy for you, and I don't always know how to help. I am here for you, though. You know that, right?''

''Of course, dad,'' my heart breaks a bit that he'd even think otherwise ,''No matter what happens, we will always have each other's backs.''

With all of the changes that have been made in my life in the past year, I know that's at least one thing that I can count on.

Besides, one thing I have learned is that good people and things can be hard to come by.

So you have to enjoy your time with them.

* * *

><p>SamPOV-<p>

_''Fat.''_

_ ''Ugly.''_

_ ''Stupid.''_

_ ''Disgusting''_

_ ''Worthless.''_

The voice is insulting me again, telling me things I never need to be reminded of.

''How could I have only lost three pounds?,'' I scowl in disgust, turning my eyes away from the mirror.

It's four days into the New Year, a day before Mike and I leave for New York.

I've been so good. I run every morning. I rarely ate anything fattening or greasy…

Or anything at all, for that matter.

Pulling out the bottle of diet pills, I pop one into my mouth before chasing it down with a glass of water. With that taken care of, I step off of the scale, place it back under the cabinet, and head downstairs to join my family

''Sam Evans, you need to eat,'' my mother insists , setting the sandwich in front of me the moment I enter the kitchen.

''Your mom is right, Sam,'' my dad sighs ,''It's not healthy.''

''I do eat. I just don't have as big an appetite as I did before,'' I shrug, beginning to pick at the sandwich if only to appease them.

''Good,'' mom nods in satisfaction ,''We're going to go pick Stevie and Stacey up from school, and run some errands. Alright?''

''Alright,'' I nod, continuing to take more bites of the sandwich until I'm sure they're gone.

Then, I toss the sandwich into the garbage, hurrying up the stairs to the bathroom.

My throat burns, but my stomach is empty. That's weight I _won't_ be putting on.

_''You're not good enough. How could beautiful Mercedes want you,'' _the voice taunts endlessly.

For years, my mom told me to see everyone as beautiful. To never judge someone for how they look.

Why do I do it to myself, then?

_''Because you're hideous and dumb. No one will ever want you.''_

Mike and my parents are both becoming suspicious. They were whispering about something on Christmas, but became quiet when I entered the room.

Hypocrite. I didn't tell his parents about him getting Tina pregnant.

I just won't eat as much, and I won't have to throw up all of those calories. No vomit to clean up, no lies to tell. Not as many, anyway.

And I'll keep the weight off. I'll eat very lightly when I have to. Only when I have to.

I wish Mercedes was here. I don't have to try so hard with her. We've only known eachother for a short while, but she just gets me. She lets me be myself, and hides the fact that she's disgusted by me. She has to be, right?

Speaking of Mercedes…

''Hey, beautiful,'' I answer the phone as soon as it rings.

''Hey! Good news,'' she practically squeals ,''Santana called me. You are now talking to the newest member of Pamela Lansbury!''

''Mercedes, that's great! I'm so proud of you,'' my voice comes out a bit raspy, and she notices.

''Are you okay, babe? Getting a sore throat?,'' she speaks, her voice comforting even when we're miles apart.

''Yeah,'' I respond, because it's not a complete lie- my throat is sore from vomiting.

''Oh, I'm sorry. Why don't we text instead?,'' she suggests, and I quickly stop her from going any further.

''No. I'm fine. And as cliche' and cheesy as this may sound, I like hearing your voice.''

It's soothing. Relaxing.

It quiets the voice in the back of my head that does nothing but spew hate at me.

''You're sweet. I like hearing you, too. You really helped me calm down at my audition. I can't wait to see face-to-face again.''

Yeah, right. I'm so damn gross.

''I can't wait to see you again. So. Tell me how winter break is going for you.''

* * *

><p>We talk for two more hours, her telling me how she, a girl named Quinn, and Tina hung out with Kurt and Blaine on New Year's Eve, how she wishes Mike and I had been there.<p>

Somehow, that makes me think Tina hasn't told her about the baby.

When we finally hang up, I'm calmer. More collected. I pass dinner up, telling my family I ate a big lunch and will eat dinner later.

It's a lie, but it works. No one sees through it, and my mom seems satisfied when she doesn't have to come knock on my bathroom door and ask if I'm sick.

I play with Stacie and Stevie, laugh with my parents, go to bed with a smile on my face after texting Mercedes. It's been one of those rare good days, which I am so grateful for. They've become less and less frequent lately.

Soon, though, I'll be good enough. My family will have saved up enough money to help me pay for college, and I can go. I'll look good for modeling, for Mercedes, and for myself.

I just have to work harder, build more muscle, lose more weight.

Be enough. My best has to be good enough.

For now, though, I'll revel in the fact that this was a good day. That, at least for a while, I didn't completely hate myself, didn't feel the need to starve myself, didn't feel as disgusting as I am. Because it's a good feeling

If only it could be here to stay.

* * *

><p>MikePOV-<p>

We've been back in New York for over a week, and Tina has only now contacted me to discuss the baby.

I can't blame her. As worry as I've been, she actually is the one carrying the baby. Of course I should give her a majority of the say. Even Sam agrees.

When I arrive at the Spotlight Diner, Tina is sitting with a blonde girl that I don't recognize.

''M-Mike. H-h-hey,'' Tina nods towards me as I take a seat ,''This is my f-friend, Q-Quinn. She's v-v-v-visiting for the w-weekend.''

''Hello,'' Quinn speaks in a soft voice, ''It's nice to meet you.''

''Nice to meet you, too.''

''I-I'm going to the bathroom. I'll be right b-back,'' Tina slides out of the booth.

''Take your time!,'' Quinn says before turning to me with an icy glare.

If looks could kill.

''Look, she's my best friend. I've seen her hurt, only to come back stronger than ever. This was an unplanned pregnancy, and she's going through a wide range of emotions deciding what to do. I would know. I was in her place last year. I ended up sleeping with one of my sorority sister's cousins. I gave my baby up for adoption, and that is the hardest thing I have ever done. So I need you to respect that if that's what she chose, it's the right decision for her. I doubt that- if she does keep the baby- she would keep you out of his or her life.''

Tina returns before I have the chance to respond to Quinn, and the blonde quickly excuses herself to give us some privacy.

''T-thanks for me-meeting up with me. Sorry it took s-s-so long.''

''It's fine. You had a lot to think about. As did I.''

''Oh? What w-where you thinking?''

''That it's your body, and you get to make the final decision. Just hear me out, though. If you do decide to have this baby, I will help you look for an adoption agency. You don't have to go through that alone. Closed or open adoption- whatever you are comfortable with.''

And this is the right thing for me. I could take a year or two of of NYADA. Or put the baby in daycare, go to classes part time, and get a job. That'd be good, too.

''If you chose to end the pregnancy, though,'' I swallow thickly ,''I… I'd understand.''

''M-Mike.''

''You're only nineteen. I'm a year older than you. You're mature, don't get me wrong. In other ways, however, you're still so… _young_. And-''

''M-Michael Robert Chang.''

I snap my mouth shut, giving her a chance to speak.

''Sorry. You were saying.''

''I've done a l-lot of thinking, too,'' she tucks her hair behind her ear ,''I h-had to decide what decision w-w-would be best for me t-too, you know? H-health wise, mostly.''

''And what's your decision,'' I brace myself for whatever she says next. I have to be ready.

I don't have a choice.

''M-Mike,'' Tina looks up at me, determination in her eyes, something fierce and firm about her posture ,''I-I'm going to have this b-baby.''

''Alright,'' I let out a breath I didn't even know I'd been holding ,''Well. That's cool. We'll look into adoption, then. I know neither one of us is ready to be a parent yet. Like I said, I will help you with finding an adoption agency, and-''

''No. M-Mike, you don't u-understand. I know we're y-y-young, and may not _r-r-really_ be ready to be p-parents. You d-don't have to be i-involved, but I've made up my m-mind on this. I think I'm g-going to keep my baby.''

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer- <strong>_**glee**_** belongs to Fox, and Ryan Murphy, Ian Brennan, and Brad Falchuk.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Trigger Warning: social anxiety, unplanned pregnancy, eating disorder, body issues, interventions, insecurity, serious health issues, self-hatred, and mentions of casual sex.**

* * *

><p>MercedesPOV-<p>

The thing about having social anxiety is that people tend to pass it off as something that isn't a big deal. Which most likely means that they don't understand, and- in a weird way- I'm sort of happy that they don't.

They don't understand being afraid to eat or drink something in public because you're afraid of spilling on yourself, or what others will say. They don't understand the terror of being called on in class, even if you do know the answer. They don't understand the fear that makes your stomach clench whenever people near you are whispering, because there's this nagging voice in the back of their mind.

They don't understand how you have to force yourself to make phone calls, the pressure of ordering in line and desperately hoping you won't make a fool of yourself, of constantly fearing you're being judged, talked about, and laughed at. They don't get the blushing, the nausea, the dizziness, the shortness of breath.

I've made it very clear to Sam that I want to wait until marriage before having sex. That doesn't stop us from fooling around, and things get heated. The other week, what began as a hot makeout session quickly turned into sour, awkward silence when he flinched away from me… after my hand brushed up against his ribcage.

He's obviously lost a lot of weight, and we need to talk to him. Before it's too late.

To say it's not a big deal, or to make assumptions when you don't actually know how awful it feels from experience, isn't right in my. Not in my mind at least.

Which is why I made the decision to confront Sam before making any assumptions. It's the second week in February now. Who knows how long this behavior has been going on?

''Sam,'' I hold his arm tighter as we cross the busy New York street, heading towards his and Mike's apartment.

''Yeah,'' his voice comes out breathily, as it has been a lot lately.

In the month since we've been back , I've noticed several things: he's been more irritable, exercising more, eating less and less, refusing to eat in public…

Mike sees it. He was grateful that someone else noticed it, so he didn't have to confront Sam alone.

''Are you feeling okay? You haven't been yourself lately,'' I watch as he nervously tugs on his baggy jacket ,''I just want to make sure nothing's wrong.''

''I'm good,'' he smiles at me, eyes betraying how worn down and tired he really is.

This could be worse than we thought.

''Hey, dude,'' Mike greets Sam before nodding towards me as we enter the apartment, ''Listen, buddy. Can I talk to you?''

''Sure,'' Sam nods wearily before turning to me ,''Would you mind giving us a minute, 'Cedes?''

''Actually, it's best if she's here. We both need to talk to you.'''

''Okay,'' Sam crosses his arms over his chest ''So talk.''

''Sam… we are worried about you,'' I begin gently ,''You're not the same.''

''What's that supposed to mean,'' he quirks an eyebrow, staring between Mike and me.

''It means that something's wrong, and we want to help,'' Mike sighs ,''We care about you. You need help.''

''I'm fine. You guys worry too much,'' Sam tries to wave us off ,''I'm just tired lately, you know? More photoshoots, more working out.''

''That's funny, Sam. Because Santana says she sees you at the gym every day. And when you're not there, you're here. I know you don't eat in the hours that you spend at the gym, and Mercedes says you don't eat on your dates, and you eat very, very little when I'm around. Sam, you need help.''

''I don't need any damn help, because I'm fine,'' he stresses, eyes wide even as he attempts to keep his cool.

''No, you're not,'' Mike's obviously getting frustrated, and I just hope his anger won't overpower his need to help his friend, ''Please. We see that now. Don't run from your problems.''

''Mike, you're a damn hypocrite,'' Sam hisses, ''When are you going to stop running from the fact that you need help for your constant mood swings?''

''This isn't about me, Sam. It's about you,'' Mike's hand clenches as he struggles to keep calm ,''Please, let us help you get your life back in control.''

''You don't even have your own damn life in control,'' Sam snaps, ''You knocked Tina up, and you're just acting like nothing even happened! You're letting her go through this _alone_!''

My gaze snaps to Mike, who's face is covered in shame and anger.

''And you, Mercedes,'' Sam turns his attention towards me ,''You're my girlfriend. I can't even trust you!''

''Yes you can, Sam! We want to help you. Just let us help you!''

''I don't need your damn help! Neither one of you know what kind of pressure I'm under! And how could you,'' he laughs bitterly, ''You've got it all: good looks, brains, nice bodies. I'm nothing without my body, and I'm not stopping until it's perfect.''

This sickening feeling returns to my stomach, because this goes deeper than Mike and i even imagined.

''Sam, you need to sit down, and calm down,'' Mike takes a step forward.

''No! I'm getting out of here. Screw this!,'' Sam leaves in a rush, slamming the door so loudly that the room actually shakes a bit.

''Don't just stand there, Mike! We need to go after him!''

''Woah, Mercedes, wait!,'' he grabs my hand, ''I know Sam. When he gets like this, it is best to just give him a bit of space. At least for a while.''

''Are you sure,'' I bite my lip.

''Trust me,'' he rubs my arm comfortingly ,''I know him. We'll give him some space, he'll come back here, and then we can talk properly. Get him some help. Until then, why don't you go on home, and I'll call you if he comes back soon. Promise. I'll walk you, if you want me to. Or at least walk you to the lobby.''

Mike wants to be alone, and I can understand that. If what Sam said is true, he has a lot of thinking to do.

I guess that we all do.

''No, I'm fine. I'll see you later, I guess.''

''Call me when you get in,'' he nods, closing the door behind me.

* * *

><p>The moment I walk into my apartment, I can tell something is wrong. The television's off, but Tina and Kurt are home. The kitchen light is on, and the door to Tina's and my room is open.<p>

I walk in timidly only to find Kurt sitting on the bed, one arm wrapped around Tina. And she's crying, nearly hyperventilating.

''What's going on,'' I drop my bag, rushing to them.

''We… we have something to tell you,'' Kurt admits.

''So Sam was right,'' I sit next to Tina after the truth has been spilled.

''W-w-what? How did y-you already know?''

''Sam kind of told me. That's not the point, though. What happens now?,'' I place a hand on her knee in comfort.

''I… I am k-keeping my baby. S-so I'll t-tell my parents when they c-c-come visit me next week. I'll m-move out as s-s-soon as I can.''

''Tina Cohen-Chang!,'' Kurt looks slightly hurt, ''Don't be silly. We're not kicking you out.''

''But-''

''No. We're here for you. If the dad won't be involved, then we'll help you out. You won't have to go through this alone,'' I promise, and the look of gratefulness on her face is enough to reassure me that we're making the right choice.

''You g-guys mean mean so much to me. You have n-no idea,'' she whispers, wiping at her red, puffy eyes, ''You're t-taking this a lot better than my parents will, and I haven't known you too long.''

''Do you need us to be there when you tell your parents?''

''N-no… I think that's something I have to do on my o-own,'' she nods sternly ,''I'll f-find some way.''

''Whatever happens, whatever you need, we'll be here for you,'' I remind her.

''Totally. Of course Blaine will be, too,'' Kurt insists, a small smile on his face as soon as ''Blaine'' slips past his lips.

''Exactly. We're in this together now.''

We all have our own problems. Of course we do. Kurt doesn't see how jaded he really is, Sam has eating issues, Blaine is horribly insecure, Tina is pregnant at nineteen, and Mike is running away from all of it. Me? I can't even call my family members back without feeling anxiety over it.

Like I said, we all have our own issues. That doesn't stop us from taking on others', too, though.

Even if we know it will eventually be too much.

* * *

><p>TinaPOV-<p>

Breathe in. Breathe out. In. Out.

There.

My professor's discussing something I know is important, but I can barely keep my eyes open.

One of the side effects of waking up to morning sickness at five in the morning. I'm so nauseated. I haven't been able to keep anything down. Morning sickness and stress? Bad combination.

A condition only worsened by the fact that my parents got an earlier flight. Only two days after telling Kurt and Mercedes that there will be a new addition to the apartment, I have to tell my parents.

They're going to be so disappointed. They're already upset that I didn't kick it off with the new neighbors son, Artie Abrams. He's nice, and we get along. He goes to NYU, so it would be perfect. If I was interested dating, that is. He has a girlfriend that goes to McKinley High School in Lima, Ohio, so he's not interested in me either. He's just a friend, and that's the way it should be. After this baby comes, I won't have time to date anyway.

''I do hope you'll me be more attentive the next time this class meets, Ms. Cohen-Chang.''

''Yes ma'am,'' I nod, gathering my books as class is dismissed, ''Th-this w-w-won't happen a-again.''

Especially considering the fact that I may have to drop out to get a full time job. From my understanding, babies cost a lot of money. Money I don't have. There are a lot of changes that have to be made, and I don't have any clue where to start.

''Tina!''

With a very irritated groan, I turn to find Mike Chang making his way towards me.

''W-what do y-y-you want,'' I face away from him, beginning to cross the street, ''I d-don't have anything t-t-to say to you.''

''I want to talk to you,'' he sighs, obviously frustrated and trying to keep his cool ,''About the baby.''

''Y-you said you didn't want this b-b-baby. I g-gave you the choice, you b-backed out. G-g-goodbye,'' I snap at him, wishing he'd leave me alone already.

Why does he insist on opening up old wounds?

''I changed my mind,'' he states ,''I want to help you out with the baby.''

''A-and in a f-few months' time, you'll change your m-mind yet a-again. So, no. I… I-I've got this.''

''Tina, please,'' he pulls me over outside of the Spotlight Diner ,''I'm not giving up without a fight. I've been thinking a lot lately. You shouldn't go through this alone. It is my kid, too.''

''Y-you're being serious,'' I realise, the iciness melting a bit when he nods.

Just a bit.

''Fine. If you're serious, t-then you can come with me n-now. I'm about to t-tell my parents.''

Who definitely won't take this well. I doubt that your parents will, either. They're going to be angry, disappointed… anything but supportive.

Looks like we'll be on our own.

''Shit…,'' he hisses, running his hands through his hair ,''okay. Yeah. Let's do this.''

My parents are running late, which laves Mike and I sitting alone at a table. He may not notice, but Blaine and Kurt are sending glares over at him.

''Tina, I… I'm so sorry that I left you to deal with this alone. That was shitty, and I should not have done that.''

''You have to be h-here for the b-b-baby, Mike. You c-can't just come in and out of h-his or her l-l-life.''

''I know that. I'll be here for you, too. It's just… we're both so young. You especially. It's like… shit. Do you think we should get married?''

I choke at that, spitting out my water.

''M-Mike! We aren't e-e-even dating.''

''My parents are going to be pissed off that I got you pregnant. They're going to be even more pissed off that we're not married,'' his voice is quiet, and he's truly terrified.

Then again, so am I.

''W-we will deal with that when we tell your p-parents. Sooner rather t-than later,'' I place a hand on my stomach ,''It s-s-seems like we have m-more time than we really do. I am already a-about two months pregnant, I think.''

''What do you mean? Haven't you been to the doctor, Tina? What the hell!''

''Not s-since I found out, n-no,'' I look down timidly ,''This is a-all very new and s-scary, Mike. At least I'm t-t-trying.''

''Right,'' he calms himself down ,''Okay. Sorry. Right. We'll handle that later.''

''Tina!''

''Mom,'' I stand, letting her engulf me in a hug as the scent of her perfume and something that distinctly reminds me of home feels my senses.

''You look so beautiful! You should come visit more often. Or we'll come visit you!''

Looking at my mother is like looking into a mirror of what I'll look like when I'm older, if I'm lucky: kind, talented, intelligent, and beautiful. We have the same long, raven black hair, the same smile, the same brown eyes. She has this gracefulness to her that I don't seem to have.

''There's my little girl,'' my dad embraces me, pressing a kiss to my head ,''And who;s your friend?''

''M-mom, dad, this is Mike Chang.''

''Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Cohen-Chang,'' Mike beams brightly, politely shaking my parents' hands.

''It's nice to meet you,'' my mom grins back ,''So, how do you two know each other?''

''We m-met on the Subway. And w-w-we have something to tell you,'' I feel Mike take my hand on top of the table, thankful for the silent comfort.

''Oh?,'' my mother raises an eyebrow, obviously expecting good news.

''M-mom? D-d-dad? We're g-g-going to have a… a baby.''

* * *

><p>BlainePOV-<p>

''I really hope she doesn't get hurt. She's already terrified,'' Kurt looks over to where Mike and Tina are sitting with her parents.

And from the look on her parents' faces, they've told them about the baby.

''Shit, I didn't even think about that. Well, she has you, 'Cedes and I. We'd all be pretty happy to help out with the baby.''

''True, true. Thanks for helping me while you're on your break, by the way. I appreciate it,'' Kurt speaks, filling another ketchup bottle as he does.

''No problem. I guess it'll make up or us not being able to go on a date until Saturday.''

''Hmmm, I can't wait,'' he smirks a bit flirtatiously ,''A nice night in with my boyfriend.''

That's right. Somehow, this incredible man wants to be with boring old me. Although I don't understand why, I won't be complaining.

''I was thinking: we could cook dinner, rent a movie, maybe go to that new bakery that opened last week?''

''Sounds great,'' I nod ,''And a lot better than just hanging out at my place.

I'm anxious to be alone with you, kiss you without any noisy interruptions from my neighbors.

Kurt and I are keeping are physical relationship pretty mild for the most part. We haven't been dating that long, and neither one of us wants to rush into this and have to deal with regret.

''Can I ask you something? Why haven't you dated much in the past? And, no, Sebastian does not count,'' Kurt teases, twisting a cap back onto a ketchup bottle.

''I mean, come on. Look at this face,'' I try to smile, my sad attempt at a self-deprecating joke when that's just how I feel about myself.

Silence.

Fantastic.

''I wish you wouldn't do that,'' Kurt says after a while, voice soft and fragile.

''Do what?''

''Put yourself down. I don't know what you see when you look at yourself, but you are a lot more than you give yourself credit for. The past few weeks, you have been making self-deprecating 'jokes'. You have a bad self-image about your looks, your talent, and your personality. You are a very handsome, very smart, very talented young man. Don't do this to yourself.''

There he goes again: stopping me before I go even further into this black hole of negativity created by years of neglect and bullying.

How the hell did I get this lucky.

''I know it's only been a few weeks since you asked me to be your boyfriend,'' I begin ,''I think this could work out, though. Long term, that is.''

''You know what, Blaine Anderson,'' bright glasz eyes meet mine as I will myself not to blush, ''I do, too. We're not in a fairytale, and life is hard. It's nice to have someone along side me. Shit, that was lame.''

''It was,'' I laugh along with him, glad for a break from the serious moment.

''Well if it isn't Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson!''

''Sebastian,'' I greet the tall, green-eyed man ,''Hey! Uh, what are you doing here?''

''Oh, I just finished grabbing lunch with this guy I met online. He had to get back to work, though. Recently single, and hot as hell,'' Sebastian smirks before looking at Kurt ,''So. You and Blaine. I guess this would explain that conversation we had last year.''

''What conversation,'' I look between my current boyfriend and Sebastian, my present and my past.

''Oh,'' Sebastian puts his hand on his chest, looking genuinely surprised, ''So you didn't tell him? Guess I can't blame you. I wouldn't want to have that conversation, either. Talk about selfish. Ouch.''

''Shut the hell up,Sebastian,' Kurt seethes.

''Whatever, Hummel. I've got to go. See you guys later. Take care of Kurt, Blaine. And at least try to do as good a job as I did.''

Kurt's face is flushed, his head in his hand a moment later ,''He is such an… such an _ass_.''

''Kurt, what was he talking about,'' I can feel my heartbeat speed up, a dozen worst-case scenarios running through my head, making it spin.

''Look: I'm going to tell you something, and I don't want you to get upset. You shouldn't be, because we weren't even dating at the time. Can… can this wait until after work? We should do this in private.''

So I don't fall apart in a crowded restaurant? So I don't embarass you? Good thinking.

''Yeah. I'd better get back on stage, anyway,'' I set the last ketchup bottle down, picking up my guitar case and strolling towards the front of the restaurant.

Whatever's going on, I have the right to know. Kurt seemed too distraught for it to be something minor. If it didn't matter, he would have just told me. Right? I guess I'll find out soon enough.

I just hope that I'll be able to handle it.

* * *

><p>SamPOV-<p>

Run faster. Work harder. Eat less.

Lose more weight. Look better.

Stop being so freaking _worthless_.

I've been avoiding Mike and Mercedes for a couple of days now. I returned to the apartment after I knew Mike would be asleep, and leave for a run before he's awake. Repeat.

Mercedes' calls and texts have gone unanswered, except for the casual _''I need time to think'' _that I sent her the day after she and Mike confronted me.

They don't get it. Mercedes is beautiful, smart, and talented. Mike is handsome, smart, and talented. They've got so much going for them, they are so much more than their bodies and faces.

They don't know what it's like for me.

My feet hit the pavement as I continue to run, thankful for the surprisingly nice winter day.

''Keep going, Sam,'' I pant out, running faster ,''You can't give up.''

Not until you're perfect.

I ignore my aching legs, ignore the sweat making my hair stick to my forehead and the back of my neck, ignore the way my lungs work even harder as my breathing gets heavier and heavier.

What I can't ignore is the dizziness that literally forces me to take a break, leaning against the armrest of a park bench as I attempt to feel better.

Vomit spews from my mouth involuntarily, the taste bitter and the bile burning my throat as I upheave again.

This continues until I'm dry-heaving, the dizziness only getting worse.

''Hey, man, you alright?,'' a guy jogs over to me.

''I'm fine. Just f-fine,'' I say despite knowing that couldn't be farther from the truth.

That's the last thing I hear before everything goes black.

If you or anyone you know ever needs help, don't feel afraid to seek help.

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer- <strong>_**glee**_** belongs to Fox and Ryan Murphy, Ian Brennan, and Brad Falchuk.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Trigger Warnings: Eating disorders, social anxiety, unplanned pregnancy, insecurities, parental neglect, eating disorder recovery, therapy.**

* * *

><p>BlainePOV-<p>

''Here. I got you a coffee,'' Kurt slides into the seat next to me ,''Two creams, two sugars.''

We've been at the hospital with Mercedes and Mike for an hour now. Sam fainted, and someone called an ambulance. after getting his contact information, they called Mike, who called Mercedes.

Tina, being Tina, wanted to come and support them. However, we finally convinced her to go spend the night with her parents. They have a lot to talk about, and she doesn't need the stress. It isn't good for her or the baby.

''Thanks,'' I take the cup from him, glad that we're at least speaking.

Mike and Mercedes sit across from us, her head on his shoulder as the somber mood envelops them both have red, puffy eyes from crying, and they're both trying to keep it together. That's her boyfriend, his best friend in a hospital bed.

''Sam's mom and dad are on their way. I got the number from Sam and called them. It didn't take too long for them to find a sitter for his brother and sister. Mike's parents are watching them,'' Kurt continues, stirring the cream and sugar into his own coffee.

''So they've known each other a long time, then, yeah?,'' I take a sip of the hot beverage, the warmth soothing my sore throat.

''Mhm. Ever since they were in grade school, I think,'' Kurt responds, ''If this had been Santana, Brittany, or Rachel, I'm not sure I would be coherent right now. We made it through high school together. I love those girls like sisters. I haven't even known Mercedes and Tina that long, and I still wouldn't want to see them hurt. I'm hurting for both of them right now, actually. Tina's about to be a mother. As unrealistic as it may seem, I'm glad Mercedes and I both agreed to let her stay at the apartment. Mercedes' boyfriend's health is deteriorating… they need someone, you know?''

So do you, Kurt. You've been so busy taking care of everyone else that you haven't even taking care of yourself. He's been there for Mercedes and Mike, and Tina.

Who's going to be there for him, though?

''It's nice to know that Tina is living with two people that she can trust,'' I admit, placing my hand on Kurt's bouncing knee, ''I guess that I'd be the same way if it was one of the Warblers. Even Sebastian.''

He tenses then, tightening his grip on his coffee cup before relaxing, ''You're a good person, Blaine. Better than you give yourself credit for.''

''As are you,'' I say, because he needs to know. For all of his talk about knowing your worth, he sure doesn't know his own.

Even though he's probably been told a thousand times.

The silence returns, more comfortable than it was last time.

''So, listen: I'm just gonna go for it. What do you want from me?''

''I'm sorry,'' Kurt looks over at me, eyes tired.

''What exactly do you want with me? Because Sebastian just wanted sex. And if you and Sebastian were hooking up with no strings attached, I can only assume that you're interested in casual sex. So if that's what you want,'' I take a deep breath, preparing myself ,''I need to know. Just so I'm not blindsided.''

I'm falling for you already. There's no denying that. I want to be with him, but I want to know what he expects of me. At least if I get hurt, I would have known what he was looking for in the first place.

''Blaine, do you really think you could be happy and comfortable with just sex?''

''For you, I could,'' I say without thinking.

Damn. He probably thinks I'm needy and clingy.

''No, Blaine. Just stop it.''

The cold, hard slap of rejection hits me, making me feel like I've literally been slapped.

''I'm not rejecting you, Blaine. I want to sleep with you. You have no idea,'' Kurt sighs in frustration ,''You, however, shouldn't have to keep making yourself feel uncomfortable just to be with someone. That is not love, Blaine. I've been in love and lost my head, and I don't want you to do the same.''

''Yeah?''

''Yeah. You and I are two different people. Sebastian and I are definitely two different people. And I want you, Blaine. Not what yoU can give me,'' Kurt takes my hand, squeezing slightly, comfortingly, gently.

''So you didn't tell me about him just so you could have him? Or so he couldn't have me?''

''What's going on in that mind of yours,'' Kurt almost looks amused ,''No. I said that because I do genuinely care about you. You don't see yourself the way I do, or the way everyone else does. Like... like Sam. I'm not going to let you destroy yourself.''

Everybody needs someone to lean on when times get tough. I never really had that growing up. Not until I joined the Warblers, anyway, and we've all gone our separate ways now. We keep in touch, sure. It's not the same.

It's not like having someone _physically _there for you the way Kurt is for me.

''Thank you. I'm not going to let you fall apart, either,'' I kiss his hand.

You can only be strong for so long before you need a break.

''Thanks,'' he yawns, confused as to what I mean.

After all, he's the one who thinks he has to be there for everyone else without having anyone there for him.

''Take a nap, Kurt. We're going to be here for a while.''

With his head on my shoulder, he slowly drifts off to sleep, as comfortable as he can be in the hard chair.

Considering the fact that he's been balancing school, work, and supporting everyone around him, it's understandable that he falls asleep almost immediately. Not after making me promise to let him know if Sam's condition changes at all, though.

He drifts off to sleep, more at peace than I've seen him in a while. he hasn't looked this relax since Christmas dinner, and even then he was focusing on what his dad had for dinner. Does he ever just stop and take care of himself?

No. Obviously not, or he wouldn't be running himself ragged. He needs someone to bet here for him when his parents are all the way back in Ohio. He may not know it, but he can't do this all on his own. None of us can. He's got Santana, Mercedes, Tina, Rachel, and Brittany. Now he's got me, too.

And I don't let my family and friends fall without being there to try and pick them back up.

* * *

><p>SamPOV-<p>

Bright lights are the first thing I notice when I open my eyes, the second being the constant beeping.

''Oh! You're awake.''

Looking to my left, I see Mike sitting in a chair, a hard look on his face.

''Dude,'' I croak out, trying to sit up despite every muscle in my body screaming in protest,''What happened?''

''Lay back down,'' Mike scolds, taking a styrofoam cut off of a table ,''Here. H-have some water.''

I take a sip, thankful as the cool liquid runs down my throat.

''Thanks.''

''No problem,'' Mike speaks ,''To answer your question: what happened is that you were running in the park. You started vomiting, and then you passed out. Someone called an ambulance, and stayed with you until the paramedics got there. You're lucky, Sam.''

Silence surrounds us, Mike looking as tired and hurt as I feel.

''Your parents are on their way.''

''What? Why the hell did you call my parents, Mike?!''

''Because I thought you were going to die, Sam!,'' he snaps, struggling to keep his temper under control ,''Mercedes did, too.''

More silence, more guilt flooding me at the realization that I've scared the people i care most about. Damn. Can't I do anything right?

''I'm sorry.''

''Don't, okay? Don't apologize. But… Yeah. So am I. I saw you not eating as much. I saw you stop eating and exercising all the time and,'' his voice cracks, and he looks towards the ceiling ,''You're my best friend. I should have said something. Then you wouldn't even be in here. I… Sam, I.''

I can only remember Mike crying a handful of times in the years that I've known him. most recently was when he told me that Tina was pregnant, that he didn't know what to do, that he didn't know how to be a dad.

Mercedes enters then, wrapping an arm around Mike's shoulder as he cries.

''Hey.''

''Hi,'' I respond, surprised that she's still here.

Especially after the shitty way that I've been treating her.

''Mike, why don't you go call Sam's parents and tell them he's awake?''

He nods, casting one last look to me before exiting the room.

Mercedes takes his seat, staring at me with tired, confused, worried eyes.

''I just finished talking to the doctor. They're going to keep you for another day or two to monitor you. You're dehydrated. You have lost an unhealthy amount. You have low blood pressure. I can practically see your ribs… Basically, your body started to shut down. You show all of the criteria for anorexia, Sam.''

I swallow thickly, the lump in my throat.

''Don't you dare blame yourself. This isn't your fault. It's no one's fault.''

She's quiet then, giving me time to process what she just said.

''You know, there's so much pressure on people to look a certain way. I get that. I don't exactly look like the girls in the magazine,'' she laughs humorlessly.

''You're beautiful,'' I speak softly, ignoring the way my voice cracks.

Mercedes takes the cup from its place on my table, letting me take a few sips until I feel slightly better.

I still feel like crap, though.

''Thank you. This isn't about me, though. Everyone has insecurities, Sam. You could have come to me or Mike. We would have helped you.''

But you would have questioned me. Would have told me not to take this diet to seriously, then talked about how gross I am behind my back. That's what everyone thinks, isn't it? I'm disgusting and dumb, too. I'm not stupid, but I'm not as smart as them.

Everyone sees it, and everyone knows it's true.

She scoots closer, taking my cold, calloused hand in her soft, warm one.

''It's just… I didn't mean for my diet to go this far. I'll just have to be more careful-''

''Sam, no,'' she says firmly, eyes wide ,''No more diets. You're sick, Sam. We need to get you help.''

_''Don't listen to them. They don't want you to be perfect. You can be perfect.''_

''Why do you care? Mike and my parents, yeah. They've known me my whole life, or almost my whole life. We just met last year. We haven't been dating too long, Mercedes. I appreciate you being here, but you don't have to be if you don't want to. You don't owe me anything.''

It's harsh and blunt, but it's the truth. If we'd been dating for a long time, I'd understand her wanting to be by my side.

''You're right. I don't owe you anything. You've helped me, though, Sam. Before I met you, I don't think I ever would have had the courage to audition for a girl's group. I mean, look at Santana, Rachel, and Brittany: They're all so pretty. No, I'm not saying that being beautiful means meeting anyone else's standards. I like my body, I like the way I look. I just mean that it's rare for me to feel like others aren't judging me, you know? It can be stifling. It stops you from living.''

I know exactly what she means. The past months have been all about gaining more muscle, losing more weight, and counting every calorie. It got so frustrating that I didn't want to go out anymore, and when I did I couldn't even enjoy myself.

''You don't see it, Sam, but you're sick. You need help. We can't force you to do anything, but you have to know that we're here. Mike and I will look into rehab centers and therapy. Whatever it takes to help you. You know you're not alone,'' Mercedes rubs her thumb over the back of my hand.

''I know,'' I look to where my hand is entwined with mine, ''Yeah.''

_''You don't have a problem,''_ the voice hisses _,''Don't let them tell you that.''_

''We are going to get you help, Sam. We're going to get you back to a healthy place. It probably won't be easy. Mike and I will do the research. Your parents will, too. You know Tina, Kurt, and Blaine will be supportive. We're all just trying to figure everything out; we'll do it together. Blaine's insecurities, Mike's mood swings, Tina's reluctance, Kurt's jadeness, my social anxiety… they've caused us to miss out on so much of life. We can't let your eating disorder do the same..''

She's standing then, carefully avoiding the machine, pressing a kiss to my lips.

''Does that sound good to you?,'' Mercedes pushes my hair back a bit, smiling at me.

''Yea,'' I nod in agreement as she pulls away ,''That sounds good to me.''

I never meant for things to go this far. I honestly did think I had a handle on this. I don't think I'm as sick as they say I am. Things certainly didn't go as planned, but I think I can get back on track. I'll be modeling again in no time, with a new diet and exercise routine. I won't take things so far next time. Whatever happens next, it's gonna be a long road.

Hopefully I won't lose the people willing to travel it with me.

* * *

><p>MikePOV-<p>

''Thanks for meeting me for lunch.''

''No p-problem,'' Tina shrugs ,''H-how's Sam?''

''He's awake, at least,'' I stirk some sugar into my coffee ,''His parents are with him. They're going to talk about treatment methods.''

''I-I'm glad he's o-okay. H-h-he'll only get b-b-b-better,'' Tina speaks softly ,''You h-have to be positive. And s-supportive.''

''Speaking of which,'' I idly run my finger around the rim of the coffee mug, ''My parents are coming to visit me for spring break. I think that we should tell them then. Hopefully you'll have gone to the doctor, and we can tell them just how far along you are.'

''T-two months. I think. I did the math in my head, but i-i-it depends on the day o-of conception,'' she reminds me, ''B-but I'd say no l-later than two m-months and a week.''

''Which means we only have about six months and three weeks to get ready, right? I'm going to be here for you, and you need to know that. I'm going to do everything I can for this baby.''

''I appreciate that,'' she admits ,''I a-am glad you ch-changed your m-mind.''

''That being said, we have a lot to talk about. And a relatively short time to do so. Like living arrangements. I… I would like for you and the baby to live with me. That way, we could share the responsibilities of the baby evenly. If you don't want to, I understand. I have some savings, and we'll combine yours to get the things that the baby needs.''

''W-we should also consider parenting c-classes. M-my parents a-a-aren't happy about this. T-they're w-willing to help though. We should let the, help us because w-w-we can't do this on our own,'' Tina picks at her veggie sandwich.

''I agree. I'll be sure to thank your parents,'' I clear my throat, taking a bite of my french fried.

''Um… c-can I have some of those,'' Tina looks at my cheese fries ,''I-I've had a craving already.''

''Sure, dig in. I can tell this is my kid. He loves cheese fries,'' I joke.

''H-how do you know i-it's not a g-g-girl,'' she raises an eyebrow, teasing me.

This is the most relaxed either one of us have been since she told me she's pregnant. It's obvious that she hasn't been getting a lot of sleep, and I know I haven't. Between school, worrying about Sam, and coming to terms with the fact that I'm going to be a dad this time next year.

''I th-think we sh-should look at how we're going to p-pay for medical bills, clothes, a c-crib, d-d-diapers… there is so much to do.''

''And we will be just fine. I promise.''

''Don't… don't make me a-a-any promise. Let's just s-s-see how these n-next few months go,'' Tina sighs ,''Okay?''

''Yeah. Yeah, okay. There… there is one thing I wanted to talk to you about.''

''Y-y-yes,'' Tina wipes some cheese from her mouth, setting the napkin to the side ,''A-about what?''

''So I've already mentioned to you how… traditional, I guess, my parents are about certain things. The fact that I got a girl pregnant before marriage is not going to sit well with them. They won't want to help us, and we really do need all of the help we can get. Even if we both take a break from school, we'd have to get jobs. Even then they wouldn't be enough to support the baby. So I wanted to talk to you about a topic I _know _they're going to bring up.''

''A-a-and what is that,'' Tina questions.

''Tina: we really need to discuss getting married.''

* * *

><p>Okay so this could go both ways . I want to know what you guys think. This topic has been brought up before in my fanfictions but I think it could be interesting to see how getting married so young affects them.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer- <strong>_**glee**_** belongs to Fox, and Ryan Murphy, Ian Brennan, and Brad Falchuk. **


	12. Chapter 12

**Trigger Warning: eating disorder, eating disorder recovery, unplanned pregnancy, gender expectations, stereotypes, and social anxiety.**

* * *

><p>TinaPOV-<p>

The end of March, leading into April, is when we tell Mike's parents about the baby. We were both to nervous to do it when they visited Mike, so a phone call had to suffice.

It's a rainy March day when Mike's parents find out about the baby, yelling things like ''Stupid'', ''Horrible'' and ''Mistake.''

Right now, I don't know if that was directed at me, him, or the baby.

''W-what do we do now?''

They want no part in this. The fact that their twenty-year-old son go a nineteen year old pregnant does not sit well with them, and I can understand. I'm not thrilled, but I'm not resentful. I'm somewhere in between, if that's possible.

And Mike just looks defeated.

''W-we discuss getting married again. I know we're not in love, or even dating each other,'' he sits on the coffee table in front of me ,''I want to do what's best for the baby, though. And if that means that we should even consider getting married, then we need to talk this out.''

''E-e-exactly, Mike. We're not in love. We haven't even kn-known each other a year. You have two years of school left, and I haven't e-e-e-even finished my f-f-first year of college,'' I look away, wiping at my eyes ,''And, y-yeah. I'm scared.''

''Hey,'' he places a hand on my knee ,''I am, too. I know I backed out before, but I'm here now. We will get through this.''

I want to believe him. I do. But the timing couldn't have been worse.

Can things really turn out okay?

* * *

><p>MikePOV-<p>

Keep it together, Mike. You've already had two arguments today. Tina You can't do this now.

''I know my emotions sometimes get the best of me. I know we're not in love or dating, and I know we're young. I just… We are moving in together anyway, you know. I say we give it a few months, and then bring marriage back up. Gives us more time to know each other.''

She let's that thought tumble around in her head, biting her lip as she nods.

''Okay. W-we will do that,'' she agrees ,''I'm just scared, Mike. Really scared.''

''I know. I know, I am, too. This is happening, though. If we're serious about raising this baby, then we have got to mature, Tina.''

That's easier said than done, but I'll do whatever it takes. Tina's already decided that she wants to take a year off from school, and we're both getting jobs. Her parents have agreed to help us with the cost of things, and even our friends have agreed to do what they can.

''I didn't even know if I w-wanted kids. I don't regret the baby, I j-j-just think I'm t-t-too young. I want to raise h-h-him or her, though,'' she looks at me, hand rested on her stomach ,''Not because I feel like I have to. I w-want too.''

''I know. I do, too,'' I rest my hand over hers ,''Whether we are together or not, we're a family. I'm going to be here for my kid, Tina.''

Am I terrified? Of year has been a whirlwind of unexpected news: Sam being diagnosed with anorexia, Tina's pregnancy, our discussions on marriage.

The scary thing is that it's only going to get crazier.

Hopefully we'll be able to handle it.

''Can I ask you something, and you just hear me out before saying anything,'' I take Tina's hand in mine, squeezing gently to calm her nerves, ''Tina, do you want to go out with me?''

''I d-d-don't want you to ask me out just because we are h-having a b-b-baby together, Mike. That's not fair to anyone,'' Tina huffs, taking her hand back.

''I like you, Tina. I did well before we had sex, okay? Maybe we can give this a try. For us.''

Whatever Hunter did to her, it gave her a completely warped view on relationships. I get this. SHe deserves better. This isn't about the baby- this is about us.

''I'll consider it,'' she sighs ,''A-and that's all th-that I promise.''

It's not a 'Yes', but it's a start.

And if these past few months have taught me anything, it's that you have to take chances, and things may surprise you. Either for better or worse.

Hopefully this will be the former.

* * *

><p>MercedesPOV-<p>

''I just… I don't want to be here. I know I need to be, but it's all so _embarrassing_.''

It's been over a month since Sam collapsed, was taken to the hospital, and now we're discussing what may happen at his first therapy appointment.

Sams parents convinced him to quit modeling, telling him that it's not his job to provide for them. Despite the overwhelming sense of guilt that he obviously feels. He feels like he's a failure, like he can't do anything right.

That couldn't

He goes twice a week, and it's supposed to help him. He's been so closed off lately that neither Mike nor I have been able to get much out of him.

''What's so embarrassing, Sam,'' I take his hand in mine, watching him look up to his therapist, who nods.

''It's… you only ever hear about _girls_ getting eating disorders, you know? So when a guy has one, it's seen as a really girly thing,'' he says quietly, looking more upset than I've seen him since we left the hospital ,''It's not like I think that way. Others do, though. It doesn't help my self-esteem.''

''You're doing well, Sam. Last month, you wouldn't even admit that you have a problem. This is progress,'' I reassure him, because he needs that.

Don't we all from time to time?

''I don't want to talk about it anymore,'' he leans his head on my shoulder ,''I'm not trying to be rude. It's just… the more we talk about it, the more I want to...''

''It's fine. Sam, look at me,'' I wait until bright , green eyes focus on me ,''We're going to get you help. The therapist will help you, and you know your parents, Mike and I are here for you. So are Tina, Kurt, and Blaine. You're not alone in this.''

''I know,'' he sighs ,''I appreciate this, Mercy. You have no idea.''

I still wish i could do more. Wish I could help him the way he needs it.

''I'm right here, Sam. I promise.''

We had a serious talk about the state of our relationship when he left the hospital. We both understand that recovery will be no easy task. Relationships can get messy without societal pressures and health issues. Together, we made a decision to try and see this thing through.

Don't we owe a little bit of happiness to ourselves.?

He just needs to know that, yes, he can do this. And that, no, he does not have to do it by himself.

''If at anytime you ever want to get in shape the _right_ way, okay. Diet and healthy exercise, okay. After we get you help, though. I'll even do it with you,'' I kiss him ,''We're in this together.''

''You don't have to do that, 'Cedes,'' he sighs, so unwilling to let others do all that they can to support him.

I guess I can understand why he feels that way. The past few years have been about self-sacrifice, and helping provide for his 's a selfless person, and he has a lot of love.

Now, he has to learn how to love himself just as much.

It's a struggle. I know that from experience. There have been days… there are still days, when I don't love myself enough. When my social anxiety gets the best of me, where I worry about my weight, my talent, my intelligence. Insecurity is natural.

Sam was on a path of self-destruction, and we are only now seeking the guidance that Sam needs. Better late than never, I guess. This could have been much, much worse than it was. Sometimes, you just have to focus on the good, and ignore the bad.

Right now, that's a lesson that we're all trying to learn.

* * *

><p>KurtPOV-<p>

''I'm exhausted. I still have homework to do, though,'' Blaine groans, hand running over his hair as he holds his shopping basket.

''Same here. Luckily, we'll get a chance to rest this weekend. At least for a while,'' I remind him, putting some carrots into my own basket.

Since Tina and Mercedes have both had hectic, stressful weeks, I decided I'd make dinner. Tina's covering dessert from her favorite bakery, and Mercedes is picking the movie. With all of the craziness as of late, it's fair to see why we've neglected bonding together.

And though this can't fix everything, it may help to relieve some stress. Mercedes and Mike are going to Sam's therapy appointment with him. Tina is going to her first doctor's appointment. With her parents help, she found a great doctor. Quinns going with her, but we're all hoping for the best.

And blaine- my loving, handsome, talented, insanely and stupidly insecure near-perfect boyfriend- has been invited to the Spring Showcase at NYADA, along with Mercedes. He explained that he's the first first year to be invited to it in who knows how long, so it's such an hour.

Of course, that stupid voice in the back of his head speaks up, making him doubt himself.

And for a guy who can dance, play several different instruments, act, and sing like nobody's business, he's oddly insecure. NYADA takes the best, and only the best of the best make it through. From what I've heard from Rachel, Mike, and Mercedes, a lot of students leave after the first semester. Blaine's made it this far, though.

All he needs is a push in the right direction to help him see what he is capable of.

''So, I've been going through songs to sing, and I think I've got the perfect one. Madame Thibodeaux said Mercedes and I could perform together, and it doesn't have to be a Broadway song, so I've been looking at different genres. What do you think of _Give you Heart a Break_ by Demi Lovato?''

''I think she's going to absolutely love you for picking that song,'' I admit ,''It's one of her favorites. Plus, she'll be grateful that you took care of that, what with Pamela Lansbury's gig this Saturday night and all.''

It took a lot of convincing, but Santana finally convinced our boss to let them perform. They're not half bad, and they write a lot of their own songs. For Mercedes, though, this is the performance outside of NYADA, with an unfamiliar crowd. She's talented, and everyone around us can see it. She hits the notes that the other members of the group can't, her vocal runs are insane, and her performances when she sings with Tina and I may be indications of excellent stage presence.

Unfortunately, like Blaine, Sam, Tina, and even Mike, she doesn't see how spectacular she truly is. She's just as good of a singer as Santana and Rachel.

Why don't people see the good in them like others do?

''Thanks, Kurt. I'm gonna go get some bread sticks. You want some,'' Blaine questions, putting one last tomato in the bag and dropping it into his basket.

''Yes, please. I think Tina will seriously hurt me if I don't bring some this time,'' I half-joke, laughing when a carefree laugh bubbles out of him.

''I'll be right back,'' he turns to leave the produce aisle, heading for the freezer section.

''Salad for dinner, Kurt? I see you're keeping up with that healthy eating diet,'' a familiar voice behind me, and I feel my gut twist almost painfully.

''Hello, Adam. Nice to see you again,'' I respond, not looking at him as I pick up a cucumber, pretending to examine it as if it's more interesting than my admittedly handsome ex.

Can't let him see that, even if I'm moving on, it still hurts.

''Look, Kurt. We were dating for a while. Can you at least look at me,'' he sighs, and I give in with annoyed huff.

Big mistake.

Bright blue eyes stare back, a smile forming as he nods in satisfaction.

''There. That's better. So, how have you been.''

''Oh,'' I turn my attention back to the food, feigning disinterest in my own life as I feel the rage build up inside.

Because you can't screw someone over, hurt them so badly, and then act like nothing happened.

''Well,'' I continue, ''I am doing well in college, actually. I love Parsons, really. I had to really get it together last semester, though. See, my boyfriend slept with another guy and I had to find a new apartment on short notice. Because, let me tell you, living with my friends Santana, Rachel, and Brittany had more cons than pros when I thought about it.''

''Kurt,'' Adam speaks, sounding utterly wounded.

''You hurt me,'' I hiss before gaining my composure, ''Badly.''

''I know. I know that I did, and it was were the best boyfriend, and-''

''Don't try to placate or flatter me, Adam.''

''And I messed it all up,'' he continues as if I didn't interrupt him, ''Chandler and I aren't even together anymore.''

''So, what, I'm supposed to feel bad that you didn't end up with who you really wanted,'' I laugh humorlessly, overwhelming feelings of insecurity, bitterness, and betrayal slamming into me with a force that could knock me breathless, ''We both moved on, Adam. It just took more time for me.''

''Oh, yeah?,'' he chews his lip nervously, ''You deserve it. Yeah.''

And there goes the awkward silence.

''Can we meet up for lunch and talk?Just talk. I want to put everything out on the table. Closure, right?''

''Closure,'' I nod, knowing that I'll never fully be over this if I don't at least find out why everything Adam and I worked for in our relationship was all in vain, ''Okay.''

''Okay, I didn't know which kind you wanted, so I got two brands,'' Blaine blurts as he rejoins me, staring at both boxes in his cart before looking up at Adam ,''oh,I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.'

''Cool. Great. You have my number. Text me or call me whenever,'' he turns to leave the aisle, ''It was good seeing you.''

Blaine and I are alone then, continuing our shopping in slightly uncomfortable silence.

''I didn't mean to interrupt your conversation with your friend. I'm always doing stuff like that, you know? Not on purpose. It's just… I'm pretty irritating,'' he chuckles, another attempt at self-deprecation.

''You're not. You and I may not always agree, but you're not irritating. If I thought that, would I have asked you to be my boyfriend? No. I don't know who told you that, but don't listen to them. Especially if you're telling yourself things like that.''

I've seen what a negative self image can do to someone. While I'm glad Sam has decided to see someone to begin his recovery, no one wants that to happen to someone they love. And… I care about Blaine.

A lot.

''Thanks. Sorry. I'll work on that,'' he promises, more to himself than to me this time.

In my books, that's definitely progress.

''Good. Don't worry about interrupting our conversation, by the way. It was nothing. He was just someone I knew. He doesn't matter.''

That's a lie. He does. He was my first real love. My first everything, really. But he hurt me, and I'm moving on. Seeing Adam again, being open and honest with him, will be a good thing. Or a gigantic mistake.

I'll just have to wait and see.

_So I am still debating the Tina/Mike getting married thing. The next chapter will be longer and deal with more heavy topics._

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer- <strong>_**glee**_** belongs to Fox, and Ryan Murphy, Ian Brennan, and Brad Falchuk.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Trigger warning: mentions of abuse, body shaming, anorexia, unplanned pregnancy, eating disorder recovery, cheating, and bad self-image.**

* * *

><p>TinaPOV-<p>

The good thing is that my morning sickness is gone.

The bad news is that I'm nauseated all night now, I can't have anymore caffeine, and I already can't fit some of my pants.

Blaine and I went to my first doctor's appointment two weeks ago. It is now the third week in April, and I am now officially seventeen weeks pregnant. The sonogram is tucked into my journal, and Mike keeps his at the apartment. Even if we're not together, even if we haven't been on a real date more than once, we can both agree that we care about this baby.

''Yeah, m-mom,'' I try not to groan through the phone, ''I'm taking the vitamins, and e-e-eating well. I have to go n-now, mom. I'll call you when I get b-b-back to the a-apartment.''

We say our goodbyes, and I hang up my phone, putting it away before bending as best as I can to get the baby name book. Tonight, Mike and I are going to discuss names. We don't even know the sex of the baby, but we want to get started. Both of us have been busy with work, school, and life. He got a job at a store in the mall to help support the baby, and I've convinced my manager to give me some extra shifts during the summer.

And, still, we're not even half way there.

''Tina, I see that you still haven't gone on that diet I mentioned to you.''

I freeze at the voice, willing myself not to show my emotions.

''What do you want, H-Hunter? I'm very b-b-b-busy.''

''I see that,'' he snatches the baby name book out of my hands ,''So. Who knocked you up? Must have been desperate. You don't have the best looks, you know.''

Scathing insults. The same kind that colored our relationship with each other. Words that I carry with me even today, trying desperately to forget.

''I d-d-don't have time for this,'' I take the book, turning to leave.

''Hey,'' his expressions goes dark, one I'm all too familiar with, and he grabs my wrist, ''I'm talking to you.''

''H-H-Hunter, s-s-stop,'' I try to loosen his grip ,''L-Let go of me.''

''You heard her,'' Mike's next to me before Hunter has a chance to speak ,''Let go of her.''

''Oh. So this is the poor sucker who's stuck with your ass now,'' Hunter laughs, cracking my confidence.

''I said, 'Let her go','' Mike shoves Hunter shoving away from me, effectively making him lose his hold on me.

''Whatever. I've got to get home to my girlfriend,'' he looks at me, ''Good luck working off all your fat from the baby, Tina. You're going to look even worse than you already do.''

I have to grab Mike's hand, dropping the book and rushing from the store before Mike has the chance to take his anger out on Hunter.

''W-what was th-that in there?!''

''Are you even being serious, Tina?! He was hurting you. He was insulting you. Forgive me if I was concerned about you, and our baby,'' he snaps, pinching the bridge of his nose to try and keep calm.

''I could have h-h-handled it! Or, if you're s-s-so insistent on protecting me even when I don't freaking ask for it, you could have handled that b-b-better! You get angry too q-quickly. This, this is why we could never work out. Y-y-you'd only hurt me, l-l-like...''

No. Don't show emotions. Keep it together. Don't cry. Hold it in.

''Like who,'' Mike opens his eyes, staring at me intently.

''N-no one. I've dealt w-w-w-with people who can't control their emotions, I don't w-want my child to be around that.''

I don't want them to hurt the way that I hurt, to become as jaded as I am.

''What are you saying,'' Mike swallows thickly, eyes tracing over my face.

''Th-that if you don't get h-h-help for your m-mood swings, I don't want you around the baby. It's s-scary, Mike. You d-d-don't even have control of your temper. So the choice is u-u-up to you,'' I hike my bag up on my shoulder, ''And I-I'd think fast. B-b-before it's too late.''

With that, I turn on my heel, heading for the subway, leaving him there.

By the time that I get back . As much as I hate to do that to Mike, I have to do what's best for my baby. Our baby. If he can't get his temper under control, then he could hurt him or her.

''It's okay,'' I put my hand on my stomach, speaking as if my baby was right there in my arms, ''I-I'm going to take care of you. I'll protect y-y-you.''

No matter what.

* * *

><p>KurtPOV-<p>

''Thank you so much for meeting me, Kurt. It's been a long time since we've been able to sit down and talk,'' Adam smiles shyly.

We're in the old coffee shop that we used to frequent when we first started dating. It has a lot of memories, really: early morning conversations and promises. It's where he asked me to move in with him, where I first told him I that I loved him, where we planned out how many kids we would and have and their names and our wedding and pet names and…

And it was all a waste of time. Bright skies turned to blue, and the bitter sting of betrayal still pierces me.

''I haven't wanted to talk to you. I've been so angry. I'm sure you can understand why.''

Especially after you _promised_ that you'd never hurt me that badly.

''I was an idiot, Kurt. I don't know how to make this up to you,'' Adam speaks, accent thick with what I assume to be remorse.

''You can start by telling me what you want to talk about,'' I take a sip of my coffee,''You screwed up. Not me.''

''I know I was so dumb,'' he shakes his head, frantically running his hand through his hair, ''You have to know that he meant nothing to me.''

''It didn't sound like nothing, Adam. It sure as hell didn't look like 'nothing'. What do you want from me? I'm moving on. You need to accept that,'' I hiss, grateful that we're in a more secluded area of the already nearly empty coffee shop.

''Damn it, Kurt. This. This is why I did it, because Chandler never made me feel like a damn idiot-''

''And I told you: talk to me. You should have told me if you were unhappy. Cheating on me, though? That was low, Adam. That hurt. You're not sorry that you cheated on me, or that you hurt me. You're sorry that you got caught doing it, and then I had proof.''

''I am sorry,'' he spits out, ''I regret it, Kurt. Please, okay? We can try again. You just have to forgive me-''

''I have forgiven you, Adam. Because if I didn't, I'd take it on Blaine. He doesn't deserve that,'' I take a deep breath then, exhaling slowly, ''I'm still hurt. I'm not going back this time. We're done.''

He sits in silence, staring at me with an unreadable expression.

''If we're done here, I'm going to use the restroom before heading to work. I'm sorry, Adam. This is over.''

I stand then, taking my phone and bag and heading towards the bathroom at the back of the shop.

My reflection stares back at me as I wash my hands, eyes tired and frustration practically radiating off of me.

I don't want to do this to Adam. I wish we could try again. If it weren't for Blaine, maybe w would. I like being with Blaine, though. He's talented, hardworking, a gentleman…

Everything Adam gave me without the undertone that he feels superior to me.

I turn the faucet off, drying my hands before grabbing my things and exiting.

The moment I'm out of the restroom, I'm pushed against the wall. hot and soft lips pressed against mine in an instant. Adam deepens the kiss, and I hate the involuntary moan that falls out of my mouth. His lips part mine, his hands gripping my waist and holding me closer to him before he is pulling away, gasping for air.

''Tell me you didn't feel anything,'' he pants out, leaning his forehead against mine ,''You felt that. I know you did.''

''Aren't you seeing someone,'' I question, catching my own breath.

''It's casual. What are you and Blaine? Exclusive? You don't want to see other people?,'' he pecks my lips once more, before I come to my senses and push him away.

''I have to go, Adam. Bye,'' I breathe out, pushing him away from and hurrying out of the doors, running as fast as I can.

* * *

><p>I force myself to calm down by the time that I reach the Spotlight Diner. My thoughts are tumbling around in my head, my cheeks are flushed, and I feel like I'm going to be sick.<p>

The kiss was nice. Adam was my first love, after all. Those feelings won't just die, no matter how hard I try to make them do so.

''Hey, are you feeling alright,'' Rachel questions, pulling her hair back into her ponytail.

''Yeah, you look like you're gonna hurl,'' Santana supplies, a hint of concern in her voice.

''I'm fine. Yeah. Just tired.''

That's not a lie. Not really.

''Don't worry, Kurt. Summer will be here before you know, and we'll be going to the beach for a whole week!,'' Brittany chirps, tying her apron around her waist.

''I love you, Britt,'' I press a kiss to her cheek as I grab my pen and notepad ,''You guys are great. All of you.''

Blaine's off today, so I get to figure out how to tell him about my encounter with Adam. If… if I should even bother telling him. It was one kiss, and I didn't kiss him back. I don't plan on meeting up with him again, so does Blaine really need to know? I don't want to hurt him.

So I'll keep this from him. I care about him, and I don't want Adam. Blaine will never know. He won't have to question our relationship, and we continue like nothing happen. I can force myself to forget about Adam again.

That's easier said than done.

* * *

><p>MercedesPOV-<p>

''You okay,'' my brother questions, taking a bite of his own food, ''You've hardly eaten anything.''

Because people are judging me, not you.

''I'm just nervous. Pamela Lansbury has their first big gig at a NYADA function, and we are performing a song that I wrote,'' I explain, picking at my own sandwhich.

''That's exciting, 'Cedes! Look at my little sister, all grown up and stuff,'' he smirks, chuckling when I flip him off ,''No, seriously. I'm proud of you.''

''Thanks,'' I nod, ''I'm proud of the songs. Rachel and Santana love it, too.''

We've performed together a few times, and my confidence never fails to waiver. I'm confident in my voice, and in my stage presence. My body, though, is something I know people judge me on.

I know everyone has their insecurities. I know that. I also know that a lot of people are making comments about my weight, especially when standing next to Santana, Brittany, or Rachel.

And they're thin. They're beautiful, and they know it. I know I'm beautiful, too. It's just sometimes hard to find someone that appreciates my type of beauty. Which is why I'm so glad that Sam looks past what others may see, and sees the real me. I do the same for him, because we all need someone.

He's doing so well with his recovery, even if it's only been a short time and the path is far from over. He's eating again, at least. Doing what his therapist recommends when he feels the urge to vomit or starve himself- calling Mike or myself, or even Blaine, Kurt, and Tina. We'll talk him through it,even offering to do something with him to take his mind off of his body, weight, and food.

He's gained weight, too. He looks healthier. There is a shine to his hair. His smiles aren't as fake. Not all of the time. I don't know first hand what he is going through, but I'm here nonetheless. Mike and I re his main support system with his parents so far away. Sam is strong, and we know this. We'll help him along the way, of course.

Things are beginning to look up for Sam in other ways, too. His parents, as well as Mike's, are helping him pay for college. He'll start next spring, almost a full year after his recovery began. We've begun exercising, but we don't go far past our limits. A simple walk in the park, and a healthy snack.

It's a long road. We're both on the path to self-improvement, and higher self-esteem as well. Sam is learning how to love himself despite what he tells himself, and I need to learn how to love myself the same- despite what I think others are telling me. Despite what others have led me think about myself in the past. They won't win. If Sam's strong enough to fight the battles against his demons, I'm strong enough to fight the battle against my own.

I'm tired of letting my anxiety win. Twice this week I stuttered my way through phone conversation, my stomach twisting and turning with nerves. Later, the idea of what strangers must think of me kept me awake- did they see a clumsy girl. a stupid girl, an unattractive girl? I rationalized that, of course, those girls laughing in the cafeteria were laughing at me. Why wouldn't they be?

No. I'll focus on right now, ignore my anxiety. Well, as best as it can be there. It's always there, making me second guess everything from my hair, to my talent, to my relationships.

No more. I'm fighting back now, whatever it takes. If Sam can be strong then so can I.

And I'll say that until I believe it myself.

_ What do you think? Mike's reaction, Sam's thoughts, and Blaine in the next chapter!_

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer- <strong>_**glee**_** belong to Fox, and Ryan Murphy, Ian Brennan, and Brad Falchuk.**


End file.
